Another Crush

I swear, if I ever kill myself depression won't be the cause, it will be unforfilled love

I don't want to ever have a crush ever again.  I hate them.  I never want to be in love with someone that just wants to be friends.  I hate it.  On one side it feels great that I feel this way, but on the other hand I want to die, unless they kiss me.  But that will never happen.  I want to die.

I hate how people around me can tell.  I hate that the person I am in love with can't.  I am also happy that they can't.  I fear the moment that they find out.  I want to die.

Why can't there be a way to fall in love with someone like other people do, you know, where the other person loves them back.  I hate that people around me have been predicting that I am going to fall in love with this person, but they won't do anything to stop it or help it along.  I want to die.

I want to live, with them in my heart, but I want to die because it never will happen.  I want to choose whether to love them or not.  I choose Not, but I don't get to choose; there is nothing for me.  At the conclusion of this path is sorrow,  for me alone.  I would rather die than go through it again.  I hate that there is nothing for me to do.

I want to die

New Start?

Epiphanies sometimes are like a bolt out of the blue.  They hit you and your life is forever changed.  Sometimes they change your life over a long period of time such that you could never recognize them ever, but they change your life anyways.  I think that your first epiphany is like the former and the latter as you have them more regularly.

My first epiphany was about the nature of contact with women, specifically about their independence and that they might not want to have anything to do with you, specifically me.  It took me over a decade to decipher that one.  I most recently had an epiphany.  It may change my life to a greater degree than any other epiphany, other than the one that allowed me to discover my Autism.  This one allowed me to discover my negative personality.  Not a big surprise to a lot of people, but sometimes the filter takes a while to allow things to sink in; in this case years.  I just have to now make the change, they say that realizing that you have a problem is the first step.

I don't know when I became negative exactly, but it is pretty easy to guess.  Always is the simple answer.  Few people understand chronic depression like I do, I have been depressed since about the age of seven, about the time where I started getting the inklings that I could not seem to relate to the other children like they were able to relate to the others.  That is the intellectual answer, the truth is more subtle: I did not know I was depressed or what depression was, but other people knew there was something up or rather going down.  In any case I did not really know I was depressed at this time until I discovered happiness many years later.

Chronic depression does not confer an automatic negative attitude though, that is something that you acquire through misfortune or failure, repeated and often.  Misfortune I did not have.  I was blessed growing up, I had two parents working for me, behind the scenes, trying to help me succeed through high school, because they knew I was having difficulty, but did not know why.  That was a rare thing in Smallville, in Boonieland, where the teachers and the system would rather relegate abnormal children to more remedial teachers.  

Not misfortune but failure.  Not school failure, although that was a near thing, despite an trap mind for facts and Mentant abilities for collating lots of information, I lacked the ability to express my thoughts orally and through writing so I did badly on tests.  No my failure was socially, which has been consistently the ONLY field of battle that I have ever been interested in.  My battles in that arena have typically one sided and even my successes tainted.  Success because the first person was not availible has been a common theme, also has been failure because something better has come up.  This failure type I think has given me the start of my negative attitude.  But not wholly, as when ever there is a new contest, a chance at love, I cease to be so pessimistic, I believe that change is around the corner, another chance to succeed.

So what is it?  Why so negative, why is it pulling me down?  I would have to say that it must be confirmation.  When you predict positive things to happen all of the time, you will meet with failure more often than not, well maybe this is just a personal observation.  When you predict a negative outcome, you are rewarded, I am rewarded with success, more often than not.  There is a danger to predicting a negative outcome, you receive validation which is a positive feeling and you may seek more negative outcomes, subconsciously.  Seeking failure justifies your negative state, and that is bad because you will not want to improve your situation.  

I recently became aware that every social interaction I was engaging in was negative.  I was being negative, I was letting negative things happen to me, so I could talk about it.  I was ignoring the positive.  I became aware of the reactions of people around me.  There are a lot of negative things in this world I don't need to bring a new host of them to every conversation that I have.  I don't have to be superficially happy and bright to everyone I meet, but I should not be honest to strangers who ask how I am doing either

As they say, put a smile on your face and a happy disposition and things will start to look up, I don't think that will happen, but there is sense to atleast keep the negativity to a minimum.

I would like to make a complaint

I would like to complain, I like to complain, but in this case I would to make a complaint!

There are two complaints, one leveled at bike riders and the other at car drivers passing bike riders.

It is funny the entire process of driving a car is so silly.  You sit in the drivers seat and you do practically nothing but steer and push pedals, it should be called car riding.  On the other hand, bicycle riding is the reverse, you steer and you are the engine that moves you forward, you might say that you drive yourself forward and you are a more active participant than in a car, you are driving the bike.  Both terms are trying to make the principal feel the opposite of what they are.  The car driver more in control and the bike rider more at leisure.  Funny.

Anyways, there are bad bike drivers out there.  They don't want to share the road and they drive in the middle of the road.  Some stop at lights in the pedestrian walkway and not behind the stop line on the road.  Similar behaviour can be leveled at scooter riders, they drive in the middle of the road but only travel at about thirty kilometers per hour.  What these people, and I mean to say that they are a minority of the population of bike drivers, lack is empathy.  They are also rude.  When you do things to impede the flow of traffic and the movement of motor vehicles all that you are doing is building resentment towards all drivers of bicycles.  

In some places you are allowed to make a right hand turn when stopped at a traffic light, if it is safe to do so.  Bicycles that stop in the pedestrian crossing lane are preventing motorized vehicles from making these turns.  This builds up resentment.  The only reason why bicycle take this advanced position is to get a jump on the light and if you are paying attention to the light, you can usually get across the intersection before a car anyways because of the bikes faster reaction time.  

So, because roads are made for cars and not bikes, be nice to car riders and stop aggravating them.  Remember they are the people that pass the laws and write the laws, they could if they wanted to, ban bike travel on some roadways.

Car riders, you are not getting off here scot free.  New laws in Ontario say that you have to give a bike driver a meter clearance when you pass them.  Only a meter.  You complain that you are afraid of the bike driver, so you give them a wide berth.  You slow down and slow traffic, you give us a five meter clearance when you do pass; literally you pass into the next oncoming lane of traffic to pass us.  Most roadways in North America are about 12 wide, most vehicles can be a maximum of 8 feet wide, many cars are more narrow than this.  I am the exception of most cyclists and can usually drive my bike within ten centimeters or four inches of the edge of e road, all the rest drive within a foot of the edge, this gives the rider of a car the required three feet clearance without venturing into the opposing lane of traffic.  Granted some roads are pretty crappy and the bike rider needs to encroach further from the edge of the road way to avoid debris or potholes, but this would mean at most a very little amount of passing in the opposing lane.  You car riders make me not want to be on the road because you may kill someone to avoid me and you don't need to.  This is why it is important for bike riders to hug the edge of the roadway and not hog the center.  

I complain to car riders that they give too much room at stop lights.  They sit far behind my rear tire and treat me like another car.  I appreciate your respect. Thank you, now get up here and activate the light for me.  Yes activate the light.  I am turning and so are you, but the turning light won't turn on, because I don't weigh as much as a car, if you don't come up here, we could be waiting a very long time.  There are lots of sensors in roadways that are only activated by the mass of a small car.  Bicyclists and motorcyclists know what I am talking about.  We don't want to break the law but we end up sitting there until we do or a car comes up and activates the sensor for us.  Sometimes to make a left I have to make a right and then do a u-turn or to get across an intersection, a right, a u-turn and another right.  Really do I need to do that and in busy traffic just to get where I need to go?  No wonder motorcyclists travel in groups, three motorcycles will activate the lights and five or or six bicycles?

End of entry.

New subject.

Driving a bicycle with out my hands is something that I can do, really well.  I can drive a bike up a long hill, up a short steep hill, down a shallow steep hill, along a straight stretch, around street corners through a weaving course, for short distances and for long distances.  It is something I taught myself as a kid, where I also learned that I cannot ride a bike without the use of my hands going down a steep hill.  I refined it when I tried again as a teenager, and learned how to drive up hills and along long stretches of road ways.  It is actually easy, but you have to understand that when you steer a bicycle, the handlebars are only part of steering.  

Every play with a wheel?  The motion of a spinning wheel resists the pull of gravity and stays upright for a good while, add a second wheel and the bike will stay upright even longer.  Little wobbles in the course get corrected out by opposite counter measures from the second wheel.  The forward motion of the bike keeps the wheels spinning and the spinning wheels kep the bike upright.  When the bike slows too much, gravity overcomes the bike and down it comes to the ground.putting a rider on the bike, the rider just has to stay well balanced and it stays upright, if they add forward motion, the bike stays upright longer.  The act of pedaling provides a bit more stabilization as the side to side motion can counter natural side to side rythumns.  

Turning on a bike is about shifting your mass as much as it is about steering with the handlebars.  When you go around a curve with speed one learns to lean into the turn to provide a counter to the centrifugal forces of the turn.  At slower speeds adjustments of weight can cause the wheel to turn subtly.  Mastering these little movements allows a cyclist to never need to steer with their hands.  Coasting down hills without pedaling allows the road to introduce vibrations into the steering column.  These vibrations can cause the wheel to turn and slip out from under the rider, so on some hills it may be necessary to hold the handlebars.  

Inexperienced bikers drivers and experienced car riders have difficulty with people driving with no hands.  The mindset of the rider is that one NEEDS to use your hands to steer and all the evidence contrary  will do nothing to convince them otherwise.  For the comfort of car riders and other cyclists I touch the steering column while driving my bike.  

End of entry

New beef.

Stairs are built for normal feet and small feet.  Sometimes if I am not paying attention, I lose my balance on steps: my heel is left off the step and I put pressure on it an fall.  Walking down, I put pressure on the ball and I slip off.  Walking down with the balls of my feet I sometimes put pressure on the heel and my foot becomes a bridge from one step to the other, the long side of a right angle triangle.  

I hate my long wide, big feet and not enough women seem to be interested in finding out if the rumours are true about big feet and cock size to compensate.

Poly 2

Love, love.  Love!

Have I been in love?  I don't know anymore.  Was it love or was it lust, was it love or was it need?  Does there need to be two people involved for it to be love?  What are the possible combinations and are they all love?

I have recounted all the loves in my life already and relishing them will not mean anything here and now as a few new names here or there will not mean anything to anyone.  But I did recently have an offer of sorts.  The offer was to possibly become part of someone's "polycule".  What I get from her description a polycule is the series of connections that a person has of a sexual nature in a polyamorous relationship.  

Everyone has something similar to a polycule, a flow chart of everyone's sexual history.  Try to visualize that, the only way I could visualize it was with a four-dimensional model.  Three dimensional models would look like a weave of mixing that would confuse too many people.  Two demensional models only work if you are looking at the sexual history of one person.  I would think the ideal relationship model would be two dimensional, two people one single lasting monogamous relationship, but how often does that happen?

The unfortunate reasoning behind my need to model sexual relationships comes from the very effective scare strategy of the condom producers used to increase their sales in the years following the outbreak of AIDS and HIV.  The video featured a girl and reaching back into the past of her sexual relationships and all their sexual relationships until we met the bad guy who had HIV.  The point they were making is that if not one of them used a condom, they all were infected with HIV and they were all going to die.  This model works for all sorts of diseases from herpes to hepatitis, from HPV to syphilis. It is scary.  It has guided my history to a few times and has made me a chronic condom user.

A polycule is something different though.  It is a representation of all the linked sexual partners and can be best represented with a two dimensional model.  Each person could have as many as they can handle partners but they remain stable with very little fluctuation.  There are partners that drop in and off the map but it can remain quite stable over time.  As I can see it, there is only one or two disadvantages to polyamory and the rest are advantages.

The first disadvantage would be the lack of protection from a psychopathic lover, that is a lovers with no sense of guilt or conscience, truthfully, no type of relationship can protect them selves from this kind of lover.  That is the lover who has a STD and shares it with everyone they meet.  The way I see it is that one psychopath can infect a stable longterm polycule all in one go.  It can be mitigated through the use of protection with new lovers but not eradicated.  

The second problem would be if you are monogamous and you fall in love with someone in the polycule.  More of a problem for someone joining the polycule than for someone already there.  I imagine that no one joins a polyamorous group if they are not already polyamorous. Meaning that at one point you are just in an open relationship and you meet someone who expands your possibilities a bit more and you become committed to more than one person.  But joining with someone who is poly and is not poly themselves, it might be more of a leap.  

Me though, what about me?  I am monogamous, which surprises me most of all. I fall in love easily and often, well actually it takes a long time for me to actually feel for them, but when I do, it is forever.  Usually, it is just me falling in love with them, it is unusual for them to love me back.  I really like the idea of being polyamorous, but I can't do it, I don't think I can do it because I get tunnel vision and I can't see anyone outside of the person I am seeing or even with or walking beside.  How do I handle being with someone who is dividing all there free time between more than one lover, of which I am only one of?  The solution would be to divide my time between multiple people too or try to date other people while they are away.  Try to date, remember the tunnel vision.  

I talk to my friends, two friends mostly, GardnerGuru and WiseWoman of the Mountain.  WWotM suggested to me first that it would go badly.  WWotM is not a conservative prude either, she lives an alternate lifestyle, or did, and I respect her suggestions and advice.  When I told GardenerGuru, she paused and told me the same thing then expanded upon it with detail.  Both friends told me essentially that they thought if there was anyone they knew who were open minded enough to accept the lifestyle, it was me, but that it was wrong for me at this time because of my relationship history.  If MPTR and Seventh had left me with a better confidence, if MagicEyes had wanted anything more than friendship, maybe.  MPTR and MagicEyes both could have been stepping stones to being poly.  MPTR being poly herself, if massively immature, and MagicEyes being some distance away, maybe would have helped.  

I don't know.  I wish that I were ready to have a poly relationship.  I wish that I could see all the women that I love more often, as I still love them all.  I wish that I could divide my time between all of them, but instead I divide by zero.  I wish that I could date this new girl, because she is awesome.  Truly.  It is like she is my lost twin, mentally.  But she is splitting her love already between many people.  My friends say that I could love this girl eventually and if I do become her friend, it will happen eventually, as sure as the sun will rise in the East, but if I do, I will pine away for something that will never be what I want and for something I cannot have wholly.

But I will do it anyways, because my entire life up to this point has been about me pining after women who don't want my love.  Why should the rest of my life be any different?  If I continue to be friends, I will fall in love and if she wants to add me to her polycule of lovers, I will likely consent.  I don't see how part of something can be worse than all of nothing, but perhaps I don't see the whole picture?

Every Baby girl will be a Rape victim

I have come to a decision of a sort. But there needs to be some background for the people who don't read what I write, and for the people who avoid any trigger warnings and for people who avoid explicit descriptions in general.

Plain and simple this is about sexual assault and all its variants.  This is about #NotAllMen.  This is about the human psychology and it is about being our most human, the separation of what it means to be human and being an animal.

I first want to clear the air, as I have in many other blog posts, as I have written in other blog post, but again here —so you don't have to dig through my stuff to find it.  I am not proud of it, I am not happy about any of it, but it happened.

Once when I was 22 I had my first kiss with a woman who I loved and it was wonderful.  It made me really horny and I really wanted to make love to her, except she was crying so I stopped before I started.  I asked her why she cried, and she told me.  She told me that four months ago she was at a concert and she had been raped afterwards.  This was not my first exposure to rape, but it was the first time that it directly affected me, it was the first time that it had happened to a friend, someone I loved.

What do you do when someone tells you that stuff?  I held her and I went home and we talked about it more later, but I still wanted her, I was still in love with her and I was still selfish, when she need a friend more than anything else.  Don't get me wrong, I was her friend first and foremost, but I still wanted to be more.  I am still friends with her on FaceBook.

A couple of years later, another woman, someone who I also loved, phoned me up at 2 in the morning and asked me to come over.  I remember that I thought I should take protection, but my rational side told me that her repeated dismissals of affection meant that she was not at all interested and I should not waste my time.  Always logical in an illogical situation I left quickly and when she tried to seduce me I was out of my joy with happiness and I tried to do everything that she wanted.  Luckily I was to excited to do everything that she wanted me to do. And I remained a virgin.  When she called me a couple days later she explained that she was drunk and I had taken advantage of her state.  Which killed me in so many ways.  I did not know that she was drunk, I was just happy that she wanted me.  I later found out that she tried to seduce many of her friends but had failed and called me, because I was a sure thing.  She used me, but I did not know the signs of drunkenness because I never drank, something that I would never let happen again.  The guilt of that day weighed heavily on me for over a decade.  I still love her though.

Years later I was working in a place, a corporate place as a night shift employee.  In their measure to avoid the workplace from unionizing they held grevience sessions where one employee listened to each people's concerns and told management.  I volunteered because i wanted to help and noone else wanted the job.  The biggest concern was that they wanted to listen to music at night to ease the boredom, but they hated the selection that the one person always choose.  I did not know I was autistic at the time and I began to identify with my fellow employees, so when the one girl pulled out her tape that i knew they did not like I erupted in anger and I struck her.  Funny thing is when you do something like that everything slows down and as I went to hit her, slap her, I realised I was wrong to hit her but being the strongest person, by far there my hand was committed to far to stop.  I adjusted where I was going to slap her and how hard I would slap her.  I hit her leg and I doubt I even hurt her, but I knew I was fired also at best.  I still feel guilty for it.  I am guilty. 

These are the three instances where I was at fault and came nearest to committing crimes against women.  Ithink if I am about to accuse the majority of men on this planet of I crime, I should be atleast be honest with you.

I am going to argue that if not a majority of men are at fault, then almost a majority and at that point I see little difference between the two numbers.  If half of all people committed murder, then there would be a reason to live in fear for everyone, would you be less afraid if only forty percent committed murder?  Twenty percent?  I am going to argue that one single case is too many, but that the numbers are much closer to the twenty to forty percent of all men are guilty of sex crimes at some part of their life and this is not acceptable.

I have recently advocated that about half of women have been sexually assaulted during their life and about a third of them multiple times.  I do not believe this anymore.  Until recently I believed that violent rape was different from non violent rape and that was different from date rape and that was different than drunk sex and that was different from non criminal sexual misdemeanors.  I have changed my stance.

Recently I asked my female friends if they had been sexually assaulted, most of them said yes, most of them gave me details.  Conversations with women about sex very often included sexual assault, many of the women did not treat it as assault.  One woman told me about her first time, first time having sex.  She had been kicked out of her house by her mother and she was sleeping on a friend's couch, part way through the night he fucked her on the couch with out asking her and then left to go back to his bed when he was done.  I have heard this story many times in many variations.  The women were blasé about the experience, but it was rape, even if they did not see it as such.

I know of a woman who was raped twice in one 24 hour period.  She was raped first by a man and did not enjoy it at all but was trapped by him and she was afraid.  The second man was her friend of a week, he wanted to have sex with her and she said no, but he was not taking no and she became arrosed and enjoyed her rape and orgasmed and then became his girlfriend.  Only after I told her what he did did she realise what had happened.  It is physiological for women to protect their bodies by not resisting when they are getting raped, they lubricate and it protects them and they don't die.  They are betrayed by their bodies and they orgasm, because the hormones that flow from an orgasm are good at bonding women to men, and there is a chance if they raped you they impregnated you so the woman's body tries to protect her.

I stopped asking women about sex, I did not want to know anymore.  I wanted to ignore it, but it is not going away.  It never did, it would never, it WILL NEVER, until someone, everyone takes a stand.

I want to believe that my mother has never been raped.  I wanted to believe that my sister has never been raped.  I wanted to believe that my innocent seeming friend had never been raped.

There are different kinds of rape, but it is not important, because they are all wrong and they need to all stop.  If we focus on the ones that are most wrong then that give people the passive it is okay: to rape women that you are married to, it is okay to assault someone who you have power over, it is okay to rape someone if she can't say no.  It is okay to have sex with someone and not disclose you positive STD status, because you don't think it matters.  It is not okay to impair someone's judgement and then have sex with them.

Our society seems to think that if they don't vocalize an objection, if a woman does not fight back, then she is passively consenting.

I propose a new model, Informed Consent.  If a person does not say it is okay, then you must assume that it is not.  Is it really too difficult to say, "I would like to have sex?" "Would you fuck me?"  there needs to be an affirmative and people can change their minds too.  Is it too hard to masturbate if she decides that she can't have sex with you?  There is more to it than that.

Something comes to mind that my friend MagicEyes told me years ago.  She said the feminism has been taken over by Trans Gendered women, she called them Cis-Males, meaning they were born male.  These trans gendered people who only lately began to feel the sting of being women are used to male muscling an arguement tend to take over and become the voice of Feminism over the Cis-Females.  The reason why there is a Feminism movement is because women are treated as inferior to men in most contexts.  Women are essentially minorities oppressed by men.

My conclusion to all this is that EVERY woman has been sexually assaulted or will be in one shape or form.  I don't need to ask a woman, because it is most likely true.  Not every woman has been raped, but effectively every woman will be.  My mother has been raped.  My sister has been raped.  My friend's little girl, who owns my heart will one day be raped.  The little girls playing in the playground will get raped one day.  Your mother, your sister, has or will be raped.  Your daughter will be raped one day.

Unless we all change.

#notallmen, while true, does not actually help, it does let you not be part of the solution.  It allows you comfort to say that you never violently raped a woman, but it also allows you to force a drunk woman who never said 'no' to fuck you.  #notallmen but enough men that we have a serious problem.  One is too many, 20% is an epidemic, 40% is culturally acceptable.  A minority of men could not rape all the women in the world.  20% of men could rape every woman in the world once without getting caught, but 40% of men could rape every woman in the world multiple times.

If 60% of the men did none of the raping that is happening in the world, we are letting it happen by not saying anything.  We 60% are comforted by statistics that say reported rape is low, that convicted rape is still lower, meaning that a very small number of women are reporting the crimes and very few men are convicted.  Of my friends only a few ever reported the crime and I don't think more than one conviction has ever happened.  Why should they report it, because it is something that defines women by men.

I am not comfortable with Man being a synonym for Potential Rapist.  I am not comfortable with the synonym for Baby Girl being Future Rape Vistim.

There is only one person reading this that can change this.  You have to change it.  It is time to advocate this.  It is time to stop being silent.  

Speak out, write out, come out.

The Boys

There are so many things I want to talk about today, some of which I will sit on for a while.  And others that I have no time to write

Big

One of those kindergarten adjectives.

I had a conversation once with a woman who was complaining about teenager boys and their pants.  She wasn't complaining about the pants but the attitude about what is in their pants.  I am talking about underwear and ball room.  I laughed with her because I thought she was right, that young boys act like they have basketballs between their legs and wore things that made allowances for their massive appendages.  It is funny.  And then I became self-conscious of my own ball room.  Not because of jealousy just conscious.  When you are a kid they are just there one day and movements that women and young boys take for granted are more difficult suddenly, because they are there.  I imagine it is similar to big breasts, but it is every guy, well for a while it is and then you get used to it and except for the occasional adjustment, they disappear from your mind.  

Until someone draws your attention to them.  When this happens all sorts of things happen like underwear becomes important again.  You become aware of rubbing and chaffing and which underwear feels better.  Boxers vs briefs.  Boxers allows freedom to move and freedom to tangle.  It allows for greater sperm production, but seriously when is that really important? Once or twice in your life maybe.  Bicycles and boxers do not mix, rather bicycle seats.  Ouch!  But really

Briefs or any underwear that keeps your junk in place prevents flopping around.  For me contained is the way to go, but contained also means that it is trapped between your legs sometimes.  Trapped between two relatively hard places and possibly another hard place.  Sometimes the fit is not right with any type of underwear and you have problems, strangulation.

Bicycles… bane of the boys.