Let me tell you a bit about me. It is funny, funny ironic, that the thing that I seek most is the thing that I am least likely to achieve. I, as mentioned before, have Aspergers Syndrome and what that is is difficult to explain. It is a journey that I have been on my entire life, but one that I did not know or understand until recently. What I seek most is social acceptance and general social excellence. But what holds me back from this is an extreme form of introversion and AS. It has been said that about 95% of all communication is non-verbal and that people are able to navigate through social morays through use of this type of communication, but I and everyone with Autism are blind to this non-verbal communication. Autism is a spectrum, much like the colours of the rainbow are a spectrum. The low level reds progress through more and more active wave lengths until the high frequency blues and violets are reached. Autism has its reds, people that can hardly function and a visibly disabled and dysfunctional and they have people that are virtually identical to the general populace and seem normal, at first glance, in every way and there are people that fill the range in between the two extremes. Aspergers Syndrome is decidedly on the blue side of the autism spectrum, we are functional and can live in society as normal people, strange normal people.

There are many traits and behaviours that are attributed to people with Autism. We become focused to an extreme and we plan our actions well in advance, but become angry if the sequence is disrupted, in a sense we are inflexible. If we decide that our course is straight ahead and the road changes direction, we are soon angry wand in the ditch. AS people are higher functioning because we have more elaborate plans that involve more of the possible variables and different outcomes, we are more able to deal with the curves that life sends our way. More able does not mean that we can always deal with them, however. I went to teachers college, it was in teachers college that I learned that I had AS, but it was there that I learned of some of the strategies that is would do to cope. The kids would, after receiving instruction act like kids and and move not in planned ways disrupting my ideas on how they should do things severely, but I was able to deal with it and not get angry at the children by scheduling for it. I would put in my plans something called organized chaos. This of course bothered my mentor-teacher to no end when she looked at my notes, which caused me to leave it out and just mentally tell myself that it would occur. I try to schedule everything that is going to happen so there are no surprises and I do not fall off the track.

AS people tend to be average to above average intelligence. I am very intelligent and know many things and I am able to plan far into my future so nothing can surprise me. And of course, I fail. The longer the projection the more uncertain the outcome, but I try. Because I am intelligent and I know many things, when I was younger I tried to gain social acceptance from others by knowing everything and jumping to the answer; in schools I have to remind myself I am not supposed to be the one answering the questions. Friends though that because of the way that I acted, knowing things was most important to me and that is so far from the truth. I have friends that still think that is what I am about. I desire social acceptance, it has been at the core of everything that I have ever done. And yet I am an introvert, the introvert's introvert you might say. Figure that out. My life is one big set of dichotomies that seem at odds and cross purposes, but to me make a lot of sense. I do not seek fame or fortune, I seek that love and under standing of the person I am with at any time, and I will do anything to get it.

Last time I started and failed to enter in a blog post, got frustrated and did not try again. I started this blog as an outlet for when things get me down with my Asperger's, so here I am again. The thing is about AS and sufferers is that we get depressed. We don't often show it because our emotions are not easily displayed on our faces for public view.

Why do we get depressed? Many of the same reasons why other people get depressed with one more. I myself was depressed from age seven to Age thirty-one and never knew why. I did not know why, I did not know about AS either. I always felt incomplete and different from everyone else, I felt substandard. I remember in High School looking at all the girls and wishing that I could talk to them, one of them and never being able to. My other friend, who also has AS but is extroverted could always talk to girls, but was so childish that they did not take him seriously.

I get depressed because I could never interact with people my own age, I felt that the gulf was too great that I was too different. It is something that plagues me today, when I see a pretty woman I think that they do not want someone like me to interact with them or anyone to interact with them and so I don't. I leave them in peace. I like to know that a woman wants to interact with me before I try.

I have a roommate, he has a girlfriend, they are giggling and having sex just now. They are not loud I am not intruding but I can tell. And why shouldn't they, they are young and love each other. I am not one to stand in another's way for happiness, but it does make me depressed, because I know that it is not my fate to be happy as they are, in the way they are. It just has not and will not happen. They are now showering together, which means that I was correct, for those that doubted.

I am a confirmed unwilling bachelor.