Bitter

I was talking to GardenerGuru yesterday at work, the subject being my evilness.  That I have evil thoughts.  These thoughts are the things that I could do if I were actually evil or just stopped caring.  Then it came out; she told me that I was mean.  That I said mean things to people.  

Because she is a friend I did not react but instead reflected.  I sought out the truth in her words and how I was mean.  I looked at all the comments that I had said to other people that had shocked me and the ones that surprised me, the nasty little things I have said that came unbidden to my lips.  I have said some truly nasty things recently.  Some of them had been building for a while like a letter to MagicEyes that was inspired by a comment of hers from months before. Once I spouted a couple of racist comments toward a native acquaintance, because she was accepting the negative stereotypes others put on her all her life and she was acting like they were true.  I remember the harsh comments that I made to MPTR when she called me on the phone.  I remember them all and how after I said them they shocked me, that I had said them, except the ones to MPTR, they still shocked me a little but they were almost justified in my mind.   

I asked her, GardenerGuru if I was nicer before my affair with MPTR.  She said I was more happy-go-lucky.  So that was it.  What had changed in me since then. 

I was unhappy before her and unhappy afterwards too.  My life was filled with unrequited love before and after so it was not that.  There are two things then that might be it.  MPTR betrayed me.  I was stupid yes, but she betrayed me.  She betrayed the first love that I had that was not unrequited.  And there is more.  I know I have mentioned this before, but as I I have said many times, before MPTR, sex was an unsatisfying experience, something that I had accepted as something that would never change and would be an always thing. I had accepted that I would have friendships and masterbation and that is it.  I might meet someone and have a brief unsatisfying relationship, just to remind myself why I was alone.  But I had a relationship that was satisfying that ended in betrayal and now I am left knowing that there is something better and I don't have it.

Betrayed is the wrong word.  Passive to the point of inaction is the appropriate word, but the end result was that I was left without and hurt in Smallville.  Hurt with knowledge that there is something out there for me if I can find it again.  So hurt and frustrated.  Bitter and angry.

I don't want to be bitter.  But I don't know how to stop.  I am not just bitter; I am empty.  Last year I tried to fill the emptiness with MagicEyes, but the problem was I was too bitter and it was leaking out of me as meanness.  I am vindictive too.  Vindictiveness comes from a good memory and meanness, so in my case, good memory, inner bitterness and constant anger is making me a bad person. And my comments are not gauged for meanness; they are randomly mean.  They are sharp mean comments that hurt and appear to come from out of the blue.  They are aimed at anyone who slights me, at least in my perceptions.

The emptiness that sits in me I have to fill up with something. And it can't be work, because work only lasts so long and then it is gone.  I just don't know.  I feel dead inside.  Dead and bitter.

Superman

Once upon a time there was this young boy named little Greenpsychopomp.  He was raised by socially liberal parents in a strict and lax environment.  His mother cooled meals every day and forced him to eat his vegetables, even when she obviously cooked the spinach too long and the broccoli too.  She made some meals fun and exciting by cooking curry and making fabulous desserts like pineapple upside down cake and fish eye (tapioca) pudding and stuff like that.  His parents were careful about many things, like language and undue influence of political belief.  For instance they talked about voting in every election, but would not tell us who they voted for, because that was a private thing and should reflect your own personal beliefs and not dictated by others, like them.  Obviously they voted left of center.  Centrists and right of center people make sure their children know what they vote.

Anyways, when I was young, the first movie that I eve saw made a huge impact on my life, movies do that, so if you have children select the movies that they see first carefully.  Most of my friends saw a very important movie when they were 5.  It was 1977 and the most iconic movie of the age was debuted in this year.  For many children who saw this movie, it remained a significant focus of their life.  That movie was Star Wars; I did not see it.  My mother would tell me that I did see it, years later, but the truth is that she thinks that she let me see it.  The truth was though, she probably did not think a War movie was a good movie for a five year old to see.  So this was not the first movie that I saw.  A lot of my friends though saw it and had posters of it and a lot of Star Wars merchandising.  This I clearly remember, and I remember not knowing what it was about and so when my mother says that I saw it, I know she is mistaken.

The first movie I did see was in 1978 and it had a HUGE impact on my life: Superman.  Let me be clear, if I had not seen it I would still likely be a very moral person, but having Superman as the first movie that I saw has pushed it into overdrive.  I still sometimes daydream about having super powers and saving the world.  I sometimes do good deeds and don't tell people that I did them.  Once I even got up really early on Christmas Eve and drove a housemate three hours to the airport so that she could catch a early morning flight home to her parents home for the holidays, then turned around and came back.  First time I told anyone that I did that.  

When I was younger, hell, whenever I role-play in any game like Dungeons and Dragons or Exalted, I play with a Superman complex.  Lawful Good, also known as lawful stupid.  The alignment in D&D, is hard to play, one has to be unselfish and follow the rules of society and protect the weak too.  When the King of the country is oppressing the peasants, my character would have to intervene, no matter the consequences.  I typically play a paladin.  Most character types hate Paladins.  They are so righteous and good, the higher form of both though.  When a village is being attacked by a horde of evil orcs, it is my character that will step in to hold of the orcs to give the villagers time to flee.  And then I might just have to roll up a new character.

Unfortunately, playing a Paladin in a game and being Lawful Good is one thing in a game, but in real life it is often difficult.  According to the definitions of D&D alignment, your typical city person is Lawful Neutral, keeps their heads down and follows the rules, in the rural areas people are most often Chaotic Neutral, they like to do there own thing but for their own reasons, but never at the expense of others, at least blatantly.  My alignment is closer to Neutral Good, with Lawful tendencies.  I try to have a positive influence on others and hardly ever be selfish, to follow the ideals of giving is better than receiving and doing onto others.

Let me tell you that it is difficult to do this, I feel that this moral center I have chosen has hurt me over the years, that I want to be selfish sometimes.  Sometimes I want to think of myself before I think of others.  But it always comes down to some variation of, what would Superman do?  

Superman, would be a feminist.  He would see that women are not treated fairly and he would treat women fairly, so do I.  He has power though and he can do more than I.  If I want to do more I try speaking out on the subject to varying degrees of success.  Racism and Rationality too.  Tricky that one, because the ideals of most religions match my own, but most itinerants do not practice what they preach.  Since they don't practice their religious ideals, then their religion is suspect and they need to examine their morality in the absence of the cloak of religion.  

Rape, I have never been put in a place where I could confront one of my friends attackers; I would.  Perhaps this is one part of why some of my relationships floundered, they sensed that I would confront offending family members with anger.

Anyways, Superman, the first movie I have ever seen remains deep within my core and although I realize that trying to emulate him in my own life is a little insane, as only he can hold these Super-ideals, because he is Superman and has the power to enforce them, but does not.  

Woman

I haven't posted in a very long time.

There has been many things to say, many things that I am required to keep to myself.  Since there are people who know who I am who read this, I can't write them here, so I do not write them at all.

So I do not write at all. 

I am back at work and I am finding that the job is even more unbearable than ever before.  When I am not at work I am secretly hoping for death.  When I am at work I just go to the next thing and I hope that it gets better.

A friend asked me to move.  My friend asked me what is the tie that keeps me here.  My parents.  My friend said that they know what that is like, but what is the effect on myself; while I am here my life is at a standstill and I need to progress.  But what my friend is suggesting that I go and more to where they are going.  I ask myself, is that any different than staying with my parents?  

Two of my co-workers have been orphaned in the past week; their last remaining parent died.  For clarification, two different people, two unrelated people.  Then there is my boss whose parents are also on the way out.  If my parents died I would be relieved and devastated.  Relieved because I would be move closer to my own death.  When they go I will probably not have people to live for.

I don't want this to be about me, but it is; it is my blog.  I have been feeling dead inside for quite some time now.  And I am now a keeper of secrets, secrets that will die with me.  I want a crutch, someone to lean on.  I feel that I do not have that.  I am other people's crutch; I hold their secrets.  I do not have one.  There is no one, except this blog.  But I can't use it.  I wish that MagicEyes was still around, but I can't use her as my crutch in any case.  

There. Is. No. One. 

I have been using Facebook too much lately.  I have been using it as a place to write and a thing to read and as a friend.  Facebook is not a friend.  When you log in and see someone online I think about them, every time.  But that does not mean they are thinking about you.  It does not mean anything.  I have to stop thinking about it.

My policy, the computer code in my head that tells me how to act in situations about Facebook has to change.  Booted up from e school bus sitting program, only sit by yourself and let others sit down beside you; let them choose what level they want to have.  Currently FaceBook rule is: do not make a friend request, if they want to be your friend, they will ask.  I will have to get more stringent than that.

I can change my thinking.  I can change my behaviours.  I got used to the Cpack device and can now sleep with it on.  It took me months before I could sleep, but I changed.  I learned to use it to breath through my nose when I sleep too, something the technician had never heard anyone do.  I did all this so that if someone wanted to sleep with me they would not be disturbed.  That will never happen.  I am trying to date someone from another town, but she is a busy person and she never has time to meet.  We met once five weeks ago, she says that she wants to meet again but it has been five weeks.  Soon I won't have a day off and I will never get to see her if she wanted to.  She is supposed to text me if she has time today so I can drive the hour to meet her, to talk.  MagicEyes all over again except even less frequent.  But she is the only one that I have found.  

I did find a lot of professionals who want to spend time with me, if I am willing to drive two hours and give them two or three hundred dollars.  Not yet.  I am close.  I feel so empty. I would like to have something inside of me.  But professionals can't give give it to me.  If I go it is because I am desperate to feel anything.  It takes me a couple hundred hours to feel emotions for people and I need emotional connections to recharge.  My friend calls me a woman, because she says that is how it works for women.

I can't cry.