My new life

I just moved again.  Finding a place to live in BigSmoke was tough this time.  A lot tougher than in the past and more expensive too.  Last time I had a bachelor apartment for $650 a month and it was tough to find it.  This time online searching was way easier but there was a lot of people looking at all the ads and when I showed up at the door I found that there were ten people in a line to look at the apartment.  I decided to go look for shared accommodation and ere were many sites for that as well, some of them showed me how many people looked at the adds and how many people contacted the person before me.  Very disheartening.  In the end I grabbed the first one that was available.  My friend GardenerGuru told me not to take the first offer, but I did, but then she actually said, don't take the first apartment that you see.  Well at least I did not do that.  

I imagine a short story where people have to fight for the right to rent.  It would involve professional rent fighters and three categories of fight, First Blood, Knock-Out and Death.  Death would be for those low rent, great location rooms and First Blood for the apartment that I got.  A fight just to apply.  

Really, I lost sleep over house hunting.  I feel that my anxiety may have scared off people I was talking to online, you know girls.  The place I got is a hole.  The smallest bedroom I have ever had, ever.  It was the same size as my nephew's nursery.  If there was no bed, I could stand in the center of the room, arms outstretched and spin without touching the walls, but a step in any direction, I would touch walls.  So it is about eight feet by eight feet.  Small.  

I did meet a wonderful woman the day I moved back to Big Smoke, Natural20.  She picked the name, but I coined it, well I used it about her.  In a game we both play a natural 20 is a critical hit and she is that.  I have to be careful about Natural20, she is a woman that I could really fall in love with and she is a woman that I must not fall in love with at least exclusively.  We are both taking our first steps into the world of Polyamory.  Polyamory is probably the natural state for love amongst humans, but has long been repressed by the overwhelming culture around us.  I am naturally monogamous, when I fall in love I become devoted and exclusive to them and this is something I need to change. As another reader of my blog said of me recently, I would make an excellent secondary.  I take that for the way that it was meant to be.  I am a great friend and lover who spends his attention on that one person liberally but at the same time I am not that primary provider with the fabulous job and a great house with a car (fancy or otherwise).  I am a great catch, but I am not one someone picks to raise a family with.  Hey, I am being honest.  I can do everything that a typical man can do, but I was not what women looked for in a person to start a family in their twenties or thirties.  I am what women look for as an alternate companion though.  That is okay too.

Natural20 is going to read this, she is a reader.  This is not self pity, it is acceptance and it is reality for now.  Wish or saying anything differently will not change anything.  But this does mean that while I enjoy Natural20's company, I can't let her become my sole outlet for her and for me.  Kissing.  Thinking about Natural20 means kissing.  

Later today, I am going to a Meet Up and meeting some people with a common interest.  Later this month I am going to Meet Ups to play board games and RPGs.  When I get a job and know how much spare time I have, I will start my own Events at http://www.meetup.com/Toronto-Area-Gamers/  .  I will see if there is interest in the 1st ed. Dungeons and Dragons epic adventure: The Temple of Elemental Evil and an Exalted Game in the same altered setting as the Slave States game I have already written about.  Two games, plus games on the side and a Natural20!  Being stuck in Smallville and LittleSmoke has made me realize that I have to get out there and get what I want.  I can't just be a passive rider in my social life.  I have to be less introverted. 

Okay less introverted appearing, push myself.  I also have to figure out what I am going to do next.  I really like teaching and kids and I really want to make children better armed to face the world.  I need to go out and get a teaching job, even if it is just supply teaching.  I can't be a landscaper my entire life, one day I won't be able to lift a two hundred pound tree.  One day.  One day, may it never come.  

I have moved out of Smallville.  I don't intend on going back, but my reasons for leaving have to be justified and proven.  If I go back, though, I have to know it is because the things that I had here, were not enough.