I rolled a Natural 20 on my Sex roll

Adult Subject Matter

I am a little OCD.  It comes from my autism.  And unfortunately sex is one of those things that I am OCD about.  I don't want to be, but it is.  I hate that.  Right now I am in a horrible place. I just had sex and it was really good sex, not completely satisfying for both parties but the best I have had in five years.  I almost came, twice!!  Not a big deal for most people but it is for me.  It was a lot of sex too, I mean hours of it, between two and three hours.  And Kissing, lots of kissing, like three to four hours of it.  And holding hands in public.  The only thing that I will be missing with this girl is going to sleep and waking up with her.  Because she is in an open marriage and she loves her husband.  So, I am her secondary partner.  I might be falling in love with her, but I might not, then again technically if it takes me months to get there or days it would still not change that I "am" falling in love with her.  But what would me in love with this woman mean?  That is the question.  Great sex, sure.  But would it mean that I would become OCD towards her?  I am throwing this out there, because I know what I am getting into and that is the difference between this arrangement and the relationships of the past.  

I KNOW I am geared for monogamy, but I am so horribly bad at it—not because I cheat or any other reason that people are bad at monogamy but bad because I am bad at relationships period, mostly getting in to them.  Could I be geared to Polyamory?  The difference between the two is huge and small.  Really the difference is loving more than one person at the same time.  The change is the last four words, at the same time.  OCD relationships is about only one person and that is it.  I would be hoping that splitting my OCD attention would break it; it might just give me two OCD relationships at the same time.  The REAL problem is that a monogamous OCD relationship really only works in the primary position.  I don't think OCD relationships work very well as secondaries.  Even two or three secondary positions.  I think that OCD relationships require a primary role because of the word Obsessive.

These are likely my fears becoming manifest through my writing.  They will probably not occur, because I am looking into them now, before there is a problem.  The problem is that if I publish this is Natural20 will read this and I don't want to screw this up with ravings of a fearful lunatic.  Because the sex was good enough that it has demolished my internal constructions that sex does not matter really.  I had gotten back into the position that I was in before I slept with MPTR five and a half years ago, that I could live without sex.  Now I can't again.

Porn.  I don't know how other people look at it, just how I look at it.  When I view porn I have to pretend that I am in a relationship with them, otherwise it does not work.  I pretend that the women are my girlfriend and that we are having sex.  I don't pretend that this was our first time, I pretend that I have been in a relationship for weeks or months or years and that it will continue for a long time afterwards.  Message for me is that casual sex does not do it for me and I desire regular sex.  Which is not to say that I cannot have a relationship with Natural20, but it does mean I have to get used to the idea of not seeing her as often as I want to.  But then before I met her, talked to her, I was fine with no sex in my life again.  

I would be fine with the end of porn in my life, if there was something else filling the gap.  I don't want to scare Natural20 away and everything that is in here.  I sometimes fear to let someone know that I masturbate often, more often than a typical teenager.  That it does depend how busy I am and right now I am not busy at all.  I need to find work so that I have less time, but not so little time that I have no time.  I need to find a balance between work, leisure, working on relationships and sleep.  I hope that is the take way for me and Natural20.