Lonely feminist atheist

Sometimes I think if I were not a passive feminist, I could just reach out and grab what I wanted.  I am an asshole and a jerk sometimes, it might be the very nature of being male, but I just reached out and embraced that asshole and jerk side of my personality and stopped thinking about what the women in my life wanted first, I might be happier.  

Instead I feel like shit all the time, because I am always pining for women who treat me like a friend when I could be that friend AND so much more.  And all it would take is for me to reach out and grasp what they want but are unsure about.  Or perhaps don't know what they want, but when they got it would want more.  58% of college men would force women to have sex.  How many college men would force a kiss on a woman?  Probably a much higher number, like 7 in 8.  I wish that I were one of those men, because it hurts so much sometimes and just this year someone told me that they wanted to kiss me on a first date, and if we had, how would things have been different?  And once this year I read someone's mind and knew that I could kiss her if I wanted to for hours and hours and maybe that would have been something other than what I have now, which is nothing.

But the problem is, I AM a feminist and I believe that if something is taken and not freely given, it is wrong.  So I will remain a lonely moral person.

Take that Christian Moralists!  Score one more for the Atheists!

Seventh texted me tonight.  She hurts me by just existing sometimes, they all do.  Why do they all live in my heart?  Why can't I just move on.  Every woman that I have loved, came close to loving, lives in me forever and will never give me peace.  And I can never tell them that they are my ruin, because they are.  Ruin and salvation all in one.

How I love her despite the time that has past.

Killer Words

Sometimes the words are out of you and you went to a place that you did not mean to travel and what you meant to talk about has left you with more questions and with a feeling that you are about to lie to people and so you have to stop…

My work place is busy during some parts of the year and incredibly slow at others.  Right now it is just slow, bordering on incredibly slow, so I have time to listen to podcasts that I would like to listen to when I am busy.  The nature of my work is very hands on, but leans heavily to customer service in the spring and summer and not at other times, so no listening to podcasts when people are around, that said, I have time now.

One of the podcasts I listen to is Ideas, a CBC radio show and so it is free.  It was the first of seven radio documentaries on the Myth of Secularism.  They were talking about the idea of religion from the European context and the idea of religion in the Indian and Eastern context and I realized, a minor epiphany, that the word "Religion" killed people.  Religions kill people all the time, but this was not that, but the word killed them.

Context:  religion means something very specific to me as a person born in the West, but it means something completely different to someone from the East, particularly before European Conquest.  I can use the word religion because it is a word everyone who uses English understands.  English quantifies things and limits them; that is what English does.  Tolkien spoke to use from Treebeard's wooden lips, "Hill, such a short word to describe something that has been around since the start of creation and be there till the end of time.". Okay, he did not say that, but he did in a way.  Native American languages would describe the hill and put cultural context to it, but we English speakers condense it all into four letters and one syllable, hill.  We do this to Religion too.

If one took a census, the podcast said, and asked how many people in Japan follow what religion and compared it to the number of people in Japan, we would find the number of Shinto, Buddhist and other religions would total to be more than the population, millions more.  In Japan one can follow more than one religion at the same time.  This was the way of all peoples in the East, perhaps of all peoples everywhere at one time, but it changed in Europe at least.

When the British conquered India, they found a people that worshipped a plethora of gods and goddesses with a vast variety of stories, that changed from village to village, valley to valley, place to place.  The belief's had a core that stayed the same, all the names changed, and the importance of the deities altered position in the stories depending where you were, but they were all similar, sort of.  To this the stiff upper lipped British categorized them as Hindu and with that quick precise word froze and stratified a free flowing idea into solid fact.  According to the podcast, Hindu was a new word, or a word that was given a new use.  It is said that each god of that faith has an infinite number of names and then they go on to list them, all 108 of them.  I am not sure if by saying that there are 108 means that they are infinite, but I would think that it means that there are 108 names plus the other ones that are local.

It does not matter, but what does is that the Brits began to do censuses and to categorize all the people of India.  India is huge.  I mean it is a big country now but it was even bigger before, it included Pakistan, Bangladesh and Myanmar, it may have included Nepal, Butan and Sri Lanka too.  You begin to see it was really huge and it was diverse, far more diverse than Europe now and more than Britain.  Muslims lived among Hindus, Buddhists and Sikhs; they lived in harmony together.  More specifically, they lived together within the people.  One of the phrases attributed to Gandhi has always bothered me: Hinduism and Atheism are compatible.  How could that be?  The only way I could allow that idea to exist was to leave religion out of the argument.  Hindism could not just be a religion, it could be a philosophy too.  But now I understand it better.  People in India before British rule picked and chose from the faiths around them.  They could pray to Lord Shiva, practice non violence and brotherly love, and fast during Ramadan.  Each faith could offer something to each person.  

What I write is a gross over simplification, but it gets you into the right frame of mind.  If you were from a stratified English upbringing where all Europeans were one of a smattering of Christian faiths, but only one and you were trying to do a census among the mind-boggling complexities of Indian faith, the phrase "Please check one box" seems right, but is at the root of a very horrible chapter in world history.  

When you name something that never had a name with a simple word with little meaning, one meaning, the potential of the something is removed.  When you do this to a person you limit them, where there was no such limitation before.  You are a Hindu, you are a Muslim and you are a Sikh.  

My history of India is severely lacking but dividing a people into monolithic faiths seems like the first step in a story that ended with partition and war and general hostilities.  

I thought this was going to end differently, but I realized that talking about history of a nation so great, in size and diversity as well as deep in time, was dangerous, especially when this new thought of multi religious faith is so new to me, alluring and repellant.  So I will stop.

But imagine a world where faith was not so polarized…

Sex Secrets Vogue Won't Publish

Perhaps it is in my arrogance that I believe that I know the secret to relationships, even though I have never really had one, but maybe it is BECAUSE I have never had one that I know.  That I have always been looking in on relationships, because I have had many "girlfriends" telling me what was happening in their relationships that I know.  I put off a few people by telling them that I know the secret to having daily sex or nearly daily sex, or even more than daily sex.  

The secret is to love them and not yourself.  That is the only trick.  But the problem is that people ceased to understand what love is, true love.  Okay what is true love?  It is the type of love where you wake up and think only of your lover and try to show your love.  You walk around and you think of ways to make your partner happy. 

There is a lot of preparation to get to this stage.  You have to talk and you have to know the person.  You don't have to just know the person you have to be observing them to figure out what they like.  And these likes can fall into three types of interests.

The first interest is the easiest to find out and the hardest to engineer.  These are life goals, what they want to do with their lives and how they want to live their life.  This can be stuff like what their dreams are in life and these drams can change, but generally they are in a theme.  Some examples.  More-Passive-Than-Rain, wanted to be a dula, a person that assists in childbirth.  She was intensely interested in herbs and naturopathy and healing with herbs. She was interested in a close to nature type of living.  And there are ways to make her dreams come true.  On the simplest level, build a garden to grow some of your vegetables save a bit of money doing that too, make a significant portion of it a herb garden and plant flowers around too.  My point is it is doable to get close to some of her goals with little effort.

My mother wanted to give up a career in nursing to become a potter.  My dad bitched and complained a lot because nurses make a lot of money and have a really good pension and he supported her.  She took courses, bought a potter's wheel, a kiln and my dad installed the wiring for that kiln.  He helped her purchase a garage in town to be her shop and when he could he helped her.  She did not stop being a nurse until she could make a go of it.  My mom likes to garden too.  When I was three we moved a house in MiserySauga with a pool in the backyard, raised pool.  I don't remember the pool, I do remember the grass that replaced the pool and the huge flower gardens, with foxgloves taller than me on the edge and I remember my mother working in them.  I remember when we moved again and again that my mother did the landscaping and built her large vegetable garden.  What are you willing to do for the one you love?

MagicEyes was interested in Social work, because she was interested in helping women.  She was interested in reengineering society, by teaching boys (Men) on how to treat women correctly; knowing what the word 'No' actually means and more importantly modifying society so that men would not think of doing shit that would get a "NO"!

If there is a woman in my life, I know what they are interested in because I pay attention.

Second, what does she like?  What is her favourite flower, what candy makes her excited, what does he or she really like.  These are small things that you can incorporate into little gifts.  Gifting is an important part of showing your love for your Love.  They can be classed into three areas as well, material, immaterial and goal orientated.  Material is like artwork or nicknacks or jewelry.  Goal orientated is obvious, little gifts that further their personal goals.  Immaterial gifts are perishable gifts, flowers, plants, cards, food and stuff.  More examples.

MPTR liked elephants, gifts with an elephant motif were special to her.  Elephants are very social creatures and take care of their children.  She liked daisies over roses.  She liked a new addition to her herb garden over something that would die.  I imagine that MagicEyes would have liked it if I had acquired course material for her planned schooling, I know that feminist literature would turn her crank, gift certificate to the Woman's Bookstore on Harbourd Street in Big Smoke.  She liked living plants over cut flowers . . ..  

Gifts are important, but there is a trick to them, they can not be regular.  Regular gifts become boring or at worst expected and when they do not arrive bad.  Ideally they should be planned and acquired on a whim.  That you planned it means that you were thinking of them for a long time to acquire the gift.  Whim means you found something perfect for them and acquired it for them.  Oh and because I have seen people do this, gifts should not be attached to labour, like the new vacuum cleaner, unless you, the gift giver, are using it.

Third, the most important thing is actions, of which all of the above a are merely subsets of action.  Knowing what she or he likes, what they care about, what makes them happy.  Examples.

MPTR did a lot of house work because she has a sub teenage boy and now a baby.  Picking up the clothes off the floor is an action of care for her, it is making her day easier.  Doing the dishes, dusting, cooking dinner, taking the trash out.  Taking her son out building him a tree fort, playing with him.  Picking the apples off the apple tree rather than letting them rot on the ground.  There are hundreds of ways of showing your love.  Showing your love shouts louder than the words.  

Being selfless towards your Love, will ensure many things in your relationship: love returned, if you are interested in sex, lots of it, if you are not maybe she will try to observe you, and try to please you too.

Remember:  listen, observe and act.

Maybe one day I will even be able to put the theory into action.  Maybe I will even get to have a reciprocated love affair.

Seventh Day Adventist Fraud

So I have a friend, don't laugh.  She is a Seventh Day Adventist.  I think she is deluded.  Actually I think that she s something when she was blissedout of her mind on weed and she was hanging out with some people who were smoking too much dope and she thought that the video made a lot of sense.  Because the presenter claimed to be a scientist and found science lacking and had produced a video that talked about how science was wrong and the Bible was right.  The problem with the video was the it was all wrong, and my friend did not have a good grounding in two of the most critical subjects that everyone should learn, at least on a basic level, Science and Critical thinking.  So in her blissedout, smoke clouded mind it seemed to make sense, that evolution was a conspiracy and people called the New World Order was trying to control the world, which is something that if you propose to someone who has all their faculties intact and a basic level of education, will get at most a mild smirk and a good laugh when the presenter turns their back.

But she believes now and I can't change her mind.  And I won't try.  I won't try because I know her and I know her like I know myself.  Because she is like me.  I know that when she looked out in the world when people were not talking to her she was standing on the brink of a hole filled with darkness of the unpenetratable depths, just like I saw when I was a youth, only now I can walk around it and not look down.  Only she can't stop looking and it tells her to jump, but when she is with this farcical religion, she does not hear the voice, so I let her be.  Because I love her with all my heart.

However, she is following a farcical religion.  She believes that the world is going to end in her life time, in the next five to ten years.  And if she believes she will be saved.

Ellen G. White is said to be their profit.  You can look her up on Wikipedia, she is the most reprinted female author on the planet, translated into nearly one hundred languages, she is one of the architects of the Seventh Day Adventist Church.  She had an accident when she was a child, a Brian injury and heard voices; she heard God.  She wrote down what God told her to write.  She reinterpreted the bible and expanded on the stories that were there.  A fable that was just a few lines in the bible became a chapter and a sermon on what it meant.  Preachers and priests could just read what she wrote and they would not have to change a word for their parishioners.  If they chose to.  But you see, the problem is, that she claimed that God gave her these messages and that is the flaw that exposes her fraud.

Seventh Day Adventists claim that the current church is false because the Catholic Church at all Christian churches was a tool of the Devil.  That right from the start, the Church of Rome has been Corrupting the word of God.

So, armed with superior knowledge and the Internet I went into it and asked for information on one book of the Bible not in the Bible: the Book of Thomas.  Discovered Athanasius of Alexandria.  The First Council of Nicaea.  And Biblical canon.  You see the first thing that religion found that it was very important not to teach people to read, because once they can read they can reason.  

The gospel of Thomas was a lost book of the Bible.  Bishop Athanasius, leader of the first Council of Nicaea was one of the people that determined what biblical writings were to be included in the official Canon of the Church, and the rest were to be destroyed.  This is the sort of things that the Seventh Day Adventist would say is an example of  the Roman Church's corruption by the devil.  This is actually a nail.  The Roman Church had every copy destroyed but one copy was spirited into the desert of Egypt, where it was buried and forgotten, but Egypt is very dry and just after the second world war, some one found it.

So my reasoning was, if Ellen G. White was a true profit inspired and directed by God to write about the books of the bible, why did she only write about the Official Canon of the Bible as presented by the hated corrupt Roman Church?  Why did she not, divinely inspired as the Seventh Day Adventist suggested, write these missing books?  The prophecies that the Adventists believe in hinge upon her divine nature.  She is a fraud.  If she was divinely inspired, the Gospel of Thomas would be written up as one of the books the corrupt Church of Rome hid.

If she had written up stories from a book that would not be discovered for one hundred years, she would have proved to all that she talked to God, as it is the sect is based on a popular fictional writer, sort of similar to Scientology.

Robots 2-4, Spirit thief & the Warded Man.

The weird thing about writing for me is that I can't do it if I am reading.  If you read me or if you look at the contents you will see I have not been writing much; I have been reading.  I read the first books of the robot series and the first of the last, it was only after I read that last one that I realized there was another one to come. Isaac Asimov was a good writer for his time, the forties and the Fifties when he wrote his first books, the writing had ideas and the story was secondary, the characters were abrupt and raw like the crime writing of those times.  But after twenty odd years Asimov came back to his character that made his career and wrote another story that took place just after the second and we get to see how Asimov's writing had improved.  Gone was a lot of the wood.  Wood meaning that character was not stiff and blunt like a club, oh he was still a fifties style detective, but he had depth…and sex.  The book was longer too and it was good reading, better than the books that allowed him to write and get his work published by his name alone.  Now I just have to find the next book at my favourite bookstore in Big Smoke, Pheonix-Bakka.

I read a easy to read book too.  To be clear I mean that the language was easy and the flow was gentle and easy but that means that it was well written enough to feel comfortable when I read.  It was called the Spirit Thief, by Rachel Aaron.  There are sequels and I will be looking for them ASAP.  In this world there are two types of mages, the bad mages who dominate spirits and bend their wills according to they suit the mage's desires and there are good mages who make bargains with spirits for aid in exchange for part of the mage's spirit.  And then there is the protagonist who treats spirits as people and talks to them and does things for the spirits and that spirits do things for him because they like him, genuinely.  This is a pantheistic world where there are spirits in everything and the size of the object and the nature of the object lends traits and power to the said spirit.  Some mages want to get fame and power and want people to worship them because of their power.  Others just want to be famous for having the biggest price on their head and kidnap great kings and release them on the condition that they raise the price on their head and nothing more.  Sounds silly eh, but it was a fun read.

The Warded Man.  I read this about a month ago, before the Robot series and it is still in my head.  In a land that was like our is now, with a past that included demons that preyed on the people.  The people defeated the Demons and they then forgot…and some things should not be forgot.  The demons came back and now it is a thousand years later people are fighting back but humanity is losing.  They have wards, symbols that are like magic that protect against the demons but Every time that wards fail, people die.  Every generation is smaller than the generation before and as the generations shrink the knowledge of the past dwindles and morality declines.  This is a story that follows three people raised in different parts of the land each holds a key to the past and a desire to change the tide in the perpetual war that people have stopped fighting and seem to be just waiting to die.  They have the key to inspire and and to lead the rest into a safe future.  Their are many loose ends from this first novel and I am anxious to read the second book, so much so that I might forgo a Terry Pratchett novel to get back to this story…good thing there isn't one though because I am not anxious to see if it is true.  It is by Peter V Brett, small typeset with many pages . . ..  

Tired

So. This week I received messages from the three women that have meant the most the most to me in the past year, MPTR, MagicEyes, and Seventh ( who I have not mentioned because she hurt me the most) just before I had my first date in six months.  Which is just weird.  I never expected to hear from MagicEyes nor Seventh again.  So both stirred up repressed thoughts.  MPTR called while I was driving so I could not answer.  It was all a coincidence that they sought me out just before I was trying to put them be hind me.  Such is chance.  I put them out of my mind for the date, but I now wish one of them was in the slightest bit interested.  Lately I have been feeling like I have been selected against.  Sexual selection has found me wanting and I am a dead end.  I want to die.

I have to live to see the Hobbit.  Hopefully when I do I have another reason to live.  This is Asperger's related Depression, depression caused because I realize that I am not normal.  I look around and I feel empty as I look and see people interacting.  I want to, but I can't, I can't talk, but in to that group; I am separate from them.  Date did not go well, I thought it did but she did not. Which is a bonus because she did not drive and lived an hour away., I cruise the internet, all the people are an hour away or more.

Sandy!

I don't like to use names.  It keeps this blog anonymous and that way I can talk about things with out without making people think I am talking about them or knowing exactly who I am, if you don't know already, but sometimes I want to give a shout out to someone a friend that I love and respect and that means using their name.  And especially since my friend is an author and I hope her great success, but here is the but, we have lost contact, or rather something happened and I don't know what.  I might have done something or maybe she did not want to keep contact.  But you see I fear that it might have been me, because part of my condition, Asperger's  Syndrome, I am super conscious about bothering people.  I want to talk to someone and I want to call them, but since I do not want to disturb them I don't, or I fill myself with vexation trying to figure when is the best time to call them.  I had another friend whom I did not know when to to call them so I called them at the absolute wrong time.

So I stopped calling my friend, Sandy, except on her birthday.  Which may have been the wrong time to call her.  It may have been the wrong time to call her because it was not enough or maybe it was a friendship that was going nowhere, or I was going nowhere or I said something once and I don't know what and I offended her.  You see this is how I think.  

I have not physically seen Sandy in about ten years, but I think about her about once a day.  This is not something special, I think about MagicEyes more than once a day, I think about WaifGirl(I have to think of a better name for her) more than once a day, I think about MPTR more than once a day, I think about Benita and Hyun, Tim and Greg, and about a dozen other people more than once a day, so thinking about Sandy is not something she needs to be concerned about; it is a mental artifact about my version of AS.

I just reviewed my friendship with her, including the first time I met her and when we started being friends, and the party that I last spent time with her.  I miss you Sandy, but I have gotten used to missing you.  

A couple of years ago she relented and added me as a friend on FB, so I can see what she is doing in her life, but I feel that that is as much contact that she wants from me.  I think she got tired of my letter that I would send to her, not taking the hint.  Last Summer I saw a post from her at a location near to where MagicEyes lived.  I knew she cottages near her, but I did not realize that it was but 10 kilometers away; I did not go and check it out, I did not try to accidentally run into her, I did not do any of the demented things I tried in high school. But I am writing this blog entry and I will likely send it to her.

Sandy, Sandra, the light in my eyes dances when I say you name.  I hope you are happy. You can tell me to delete this post if you want.  Happy 27th birthday on Saturday.

Two names on a Cenotaph

I was going to do this for Remembrance Day this year.  I was going to talk about how I was connected to the wars.  But instead I will talk about the cenotaph.  This year I went to the public service in the town.  It was a social occasion people came and greeted each other and they talked and the kids talked and played, but there were not that many kids.  Most people were older than me, but I would say I was the median age. There were a lot of younger people that were never touched by war.  My father was born in the war time years, my mother was on the crest of the baby boom after the war.  Both had parents in the war, my father's father in the infantry I think, maybe in the engineers; it was never talked about.  My mother's father was in the RAF as a recon pilot.  My my mother's mother was nurse in a POW camp in Espinola.  Through them, my parents, I have a connection to the war.  But others do not.  During the moment of silence, there were cars driving past, were the drivers thinking, what is going on over there?  Oh yeah that thing.  We're they born so that they never had to serve?  Were their parents?  Did they ever care?  

The cenotaph has been augmented over the past few years.  Two new stones, large, black and shiny, with all the names of those that made the ultimate sacrifice.  Two stones, one for each World War.  Two lists of names from different times of the town.  

After the movie I was walking through the common grounds, marked by the cenotaph, I saw a group of kids playing near the stones, one a girl found one of the wreaths had fallen from when the clean up crew had removed the chairs.  She picked it up and placed it reverently back where it was supposed to go.  I had been approaching the stone to read the names.  I greeted them and gathered them closer and then I pointed out the names that I knew, men who had died nearly ninety years before they were born.  I pointed to Lt. Percy Jackson, who is buried in Balsam Cemetery, died in 1917.  I pointed out Clarence Taylor, my great-grandfather's brother, who died, i am not sure if I am spreading myth, on the last day of the war in 1918, but that is what I told them, something to crystallize the idea of the war.  They said that it sucked to die on the last day.  It did suck.  It sucked that anyone should die in war, but on the last day or week, that double sucks.  

But if there ever is a first person to die in a war that sucks too.  I hope, sincerely, that children only know war at the cenotaph and that know one is the first to die in war again.

Coital endevours

Warning sexual content.  The warning is for friends and acquaintances who might stumble here. 

I have probably written about this before, it is just that it has been on my mind more than usual, which given the nature of it means that I have been thinking about it a lot more than usual. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is something that people have on their own and it is horrible.  I know a hand washer, washed until he bled.  I know a STD checker, who checks compulsively at odd times in any given day to see if they have spontaneously contracted Herpes.  This is all horrible for them and I do not mean to make marginalize OCD, but you can get treatment for OCD and there are drugs for it and lastly you can be cured of it.  I am Obsessive Compulsive everything, granted not to the degree of OCD, but over a broader range.  When I read, I forget everything, when I game I game for hours, when sex is on my mind…. Well I am getting better, I can work and I can do other things, but it is always in the background.

Because I think about things a lot I tend to have more insight to them, more than people that do them, because they don't think about it.  Sex is this thing that is always there for me in the corners of my eye or right up front with my every thoughts.  It disturbs me, but it would disturb everyone else if they knew exactly when, where and how often.  So here is some insight on sex.

I feel that going up to strangers or friends and acquaintances and asking to have sex with them is vulgar and rude; it is a form of assault, so I would never do that.  Never ever, but I want to and I think about it all the time.  Except when I am in love.  When I am in love I am monogamous in my thoughts and my actions.

I am single though.  Very single, with no prospects in this small town filled with people with small closed minds who get married just out of high school and all think smoking and drinking 'til they fall over is fun.

Lately, I have wanted sex a lot.  I have been turning to the Internet and dating sites to try to find someone, anyone to help me out.  I, when I am not in this state, go to dating sites and I look for relationship people. People that want to share intellectual discourse and people who want to fall in love before having sex.  I want this, because I love being in love and actually being in love is a hard thing to do.  But I want to try.

Currently I am seeking anything, but something immediate.  Which is a little like masterbation.  Sex is masterbation, most people would think this is dumb, but I have spent a lot of time thinking about it and I am not most people.  I have stated previously that I have a love hate relationship with sex, odd for someone who obsesses about it.  I am hypo-sensitive, meaning I feel little or no sensation, during sex.  I am hypersensitive, I feel pain and discomfort, when people tickle my sides.  I know this is a mental aberration, but I can't stop it.

Masterbation is an autosexual feat that everyone is intimately familiar with, it gives people pleasure when there is no one available to help you out.  I can accomplish this easily whenever I am alone and at this time I do this often.  Average for me is about 2-4 times a day, recently it has been more.  But it is just masterbation, getting off; it is empty

Sex is not masterbation, it involves another person so it is social.  It is about personal and group gratification, but because it is with two or more people it is social behavior and it is by definition more intimate and different than masterbation.  There are two ways to go about sex.  First find another person who wants the same and have sex.  The second is pay someone to let you have sex.  Most people think that the later is dirty and bad or just wrong, but sometimes it is the only option.  It is not an option for me, hopefully.  Professionals need to be paid and paid proportionally to there time spent.  For most people this is not an obstacle.  Most people can get to business and be done in fifteen minutes.  I am hypo-sensitive; I need a lot longer.  I need a few hours.  At the end of three hours I still won't be "gratified", but I will be tired and I hopefully won't need to have sex for a while.

Making love is entirely different.  It is social, emotional and physical.  The players are present for each other on all levels and I don't need hours.  There is a real tangible benefit for me to be in love.

Kissing: I don't need to have sex to have intimate contact kissing is enough.  In so many ways kissing is more intimate than sex.

Right now I am looking for intimacy and I am looking in places that I do not consider proper, right now it is a more powerful drive, it may drive me to seek professionals.  If I had more money and if they kiss.