Eye Rape

What kills me is my mind, not literally mind you, it would be bad if my mind was trying to strangle me like a odd looking boa constrictor …, but I digress.  Almost as soon as I posted that I was through with sex and pursuing women, it was all I could think about.  Moreover they were thoughts of specific women, women that I know are not interested.  My mind kept telling me that a specific woman, SuperGirl, would be interested in me if I moved back to Smallville.  

I know it is not so.  I know that I would be barking up the wrong tree again and beating my head bloody, but the thoughts come unbidden and it hurts, because I want to believe.  I want to believe MagicEyes is interested, I want to believe that MPTR is interested in more than jerking me around.  I want to believe that someone cares for me more or less as much as I care for them.  It is not about sex and it is about sex.  It is all very confusing.

The problem is that the reason I left Smallville was to live with my friend and his family.  They wanted me to come live with them, I checked and made them offer a few times.  I love their children and they love me.  I was going to help with the bills and take care of the children on occasion.  I was going to be happy.  But I did not read the small print.  While they asked me to move in, they did not tell me that it was only for a limited time, a very limited time.  She thought I would be there for only six months and he thought I would need more time and they compromised at a year.

I gave up most of my stuff to move into the small space that I was provided in their lives.  I got rid of treasures that I would not have gotten rid of had I known.  Had I known, I would not have moved.  So I am unhappy again and I am considering going back to Smallville, which is really bad for me, but it turns out not much worse than other places.  Here in suburbia, there is a background population that provides and illusion that they might want to date me, just an illusion mind you and in Boonieland there is no illusion, I know there is no one for me just fantasies that SuperGirl et al, are actually interested, which they are not.  

So the question is which is better angst twisting false fantasies or the illusion that there is love around the corner if I can some how catch their attention?

Realistically they are both the same.  I get the most interest here in Little Smoke from women who look like they are from Boonieland, women who have stopped trying to look nice, women who weigh the same as me, but who are much shorter.  Women who are older than me.  Which I don't care about really, so it is a good thing, but they never pan out for one reason or another, they are married and get cold feet.  They are married and just wanted the thrill of the thought of dating me.  They have a lot of choice and they don't choose me.

Or should I just go back to Smallville and be me and since there are very little people like me their, the people who like people like me will not have the choice that they do in the city and I will be it.  Not that women in boonieland like men like me or rather they like to keep me as a friend and not a companion.  

I see lots of cute women in LittleSmoke, but I don't work that way; I can't see a good looking woman as someone that I will be interested in, at least until I know them better.  It does not seem to be the way most people work in either location, so perhaps that is why I fail in either.  

There have been two more developments in my mind recently.  I have been working with a lot of young men this year and they all ogle the women that they see from the safety of a vehicle or from a distance and I find it abhorrent and seductive.  I like the way that women look, but am also feeling the woman's perspective and the objectifying is a little like eye rape so I don't do it, unless the woman is consenting, which they generally are not.  Last week I was on the job site and a beautiful Blond woman drove up and asked some questions of me.  In my mind I just saw a person.  She stopped asking questions when she noticed and commented, " Why have they all stopped working…", and then she fled the scene.  My co-workers were just staring at her.  I have taken to telling my young co-workers when they hoot and holler about the babe they see on the street that, after a slow and measured look, that that 'babe' is about 12-15 depending on how old they look, even if they are not.

The other development is that I have started seeing all women 25 or younger as children.  I am shocked to learn that the person serving me is a college graduate, that person on the television would not be off limits if I were to meet her in the street and she was interested.  And this is a sudden change, sometimes I get a little sick to the stomach when I see these women who are old enough to make their own choices in life.  Friends that have been telling me that people under thirty are just children, is starting to make sense.  I don't believe that, but I am starting to understand why they believe it.  

And yet I am haunted by memories of women who I know in boonieland and Smallville, the impulse is telling me that I just have to go back and they will love me, contrary to all the factual information I have.

Since I cannot be happy anywhere, I might as well go back to Smallville and make some of my friends and family happy.  I think I have decided, I am just looking for someone to tell me that I can be happy here.  Or somewhere.