From another age…
The toughest part of crushes, amongst the great number of horrible things to do with crushes is when all the beans line up, intellectual, states of singleness, freedom of movement, timing and all that is the lack of mutual attraction. I wish it were not the story of my life, but it is. I don't get crushes on attached people very option and I become intellectually attracted to people, so I assume that there is that in common. All the may be lacking is timing and mutual attraction. I tend to have poor timing, getting crushes on women who are just getting out of relationships and who may be just getting in to relationships, but mostly it is that the woman thinks of me as only a friend, which implies lack of attraction. It is a mental thing mostly, but it can make one self conscious of their appearance.
Currently I have the ends of a tattered crush with a woman who I feel is suffering from two of the above, poor timing and lack of attraction. Of the two, I have noticed that strong attraction overrules poor timing and good timing never over rules good timing.
Cont.
Three weeks later
What is the nature of these things that three weeks leaves me in a completely a different place and the same place. In three weeks I have walked around at random to find myself in the same place and a different place. I knew that she did not want to talk to me outside of work for a while but I could not admit to it. Because I did not understand why. I still don't. Maybe it is because when I see her and talk to her i see similarities and when she does the same she sees differences. Maybe that is all that there is, maybe. Maybe she knows that it won't work, or that the above was essentially true, bad timing and no attraction. Maybe.
I wrote points out to the things that I wanted to talk about, I read them and I understand my short hand, I know what I wanted to talk about nearly a month ago, I can continue, maybe with more insight.
Sex, what is it. Then, it was the ultimate expression of social interaction. Now it is this thing do when people talk and know each other really well and want to spend more time with them and it is an expression of that closeness. And it is also a physical interaction that two people do to relieve tension especially when they are attracted mutually. It is also a getting to know you method. In all of them it is a social interaction and it is something people do. I may not be people any more, if I ever was. I mean I might never have sex again and I need to let this fact go, if I am going to continue.
My problem is that I really only want to Make Love, the sex that occurs when you have all the time in the world to have sex with someone that you love. But all the sex that I can get are Fucks, sex with strangers, or sex without social interactions. Sex with prostitutes. Raping. I would never rape, ever, but it feels like that is they only way that I will get to interact with people, sexually, who I love. I will never rape. The day I rape, is the day I die, —not if I find out that I am going to die, but the reason why I die. I could never intentionally hurt someone. But it feels like if I want to be with someone that I like, that is the boundary that I would have to cross.
My present direction is to try to be fulfilled by just being friends. Because while sex is the ultimate social happiness, everyone tells me this as they then tell me that it is not; they say that it is not true with words and then they lose focus or glaze over, they talk about how wonderful it last was. But I will focus back on relationships of the friendship level, again. Because it is old hat. I used to be only just friends. I would miss the chances to expand upon things, or I would ignore them because they were friends. It does not matter though, maybe that is the best I can be to another person, a friend. Friends are great. They do anything for each other. They will help you bury bodies if you are close enough. They will do things for you because they love you for being you. The best lovers are made from the best friends, but friends do not make lovers. The best lovers become best friends more like. Who knows.
The theory goes that if you seek only friendship, you will find love, but in the last twenty years, I have only had sex with one friend and had opportunity only one other maybe. In practice, friends can only be friends.
Next subject, phrase bombs. When I was in Grade 9 PE class the teacher let us know that he had become a father the night before, during our Sex Ed class. One of the boys pipped up that if he did not get an A he was going to seeker out one day and break her heart. Everyone laughed, including the teacher. Years later when I was with a friend, who was pregnate, with her boyfriend and his two friends, the announced that it was a girl, so I announced, to get a laugh that one day I was going to break her heart. No one laughed.
Phrase bombs are one of the things I used to do, because I did not understand social interactions at all and desperately wanted to fit in and get a laugh. Laughs are things that people do when you you do good. It is an acclaim that I was not used to, unless people were laughing at me, but not to acclaim but because I failed in some way. It is about the Autism. You see a social situation and you hear a phrase that was used to get social acceptance and you save it away for future use. Then you use it to fake social competency. They are bombs because they are a condensed package of meanings that always hurt when ever they are used usually the person using them.
There was this movie in the Nineties I think it was called, Chasing Amy. There was a phrase used by my friend from that movie to suggest the ultimate virility of masculinity, effectively, "You know that you are a real man when you can make a lesbian straight." The problem with Hollywood is that it delivers these lines without reality interacting with people and people recieveing social acclaim within its context. Most of the ways that I interact with people at the times came from snippets of television and movies. The horrors. And that was how I destroyed my friendship with MagicEyes. You know that you are a real man when you turn a lesbian straight. And the reverse, you know that you are a failure as a man when you date a straight woman and turn her into a lesbian. I texted this to a friend, because I was sad, because I was I love with MagicEyes and her own personal journey was away from men, not because of me, or inspite of me, but just was. I was sad because yet again I was I love with someone who would not love me back that way. I texted it to my friend, because I was hurting and wanted to hurt myself more, to demasculate myself in their eyes. So I sent my friend that text. Only I didn't. I sent it to MagicEyes by accident. And I ended our friendship, only I didn't, because she was my friend and I was not her friend; I was in love with her.
Phrase bombs, they are ways of learning to interact with people, but they seem to explode in my face all the time.
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