Alone

Sometimes I wake up and realize that there is nothing in my life that I enjoy that is all mine.  The are things that I enjoy, but they are mine to enjoy while they want to be there.  I am thinking of my friend's children.  Should I live my life for them?  The is nothing that gives me enjoyment here in Smallville.  I try to find love and it feels that it is impossible.  I have friends but lately it feels that things are one way—it probably is not, likely it is just that they are unhappy too.  Or that they need things from me.  They need a massage, they need me to care.

I feel like I am dying inside again.  The combination of feeling unattractive and used.  One friend wants me to change into what she wants me to be, she changed so I should too.  I love my friends, love means friendship, friendship means love.  But I feel that things are sinking out of control on some fronts.  Maybe I want something that my friends can't give me.  Maybe what I want does not exist.  I want to curl up in a ball and be held.  I want to have sex, but I don't have to.  I want to feel like my love is returned.  I would like to feel my love returned, maybe with a little extra.

I want to reach out and touch someone's mind and feel them touching me right back and then I want time to end or to die so that it will never end.

I know that my friends love me back, but sometimes I wish that I was not left feeling alone.  Maybe that is just the world is for me, alone.