I feel that I am closer now. I had a talk last week with the Wise Woman of the Mountain. And she explained things to me.
She explained to me that I don't have to do things for people for them to want to be around me. She explained that I do things for people and that is just as bonus. Afterwards I felt incredibly empowered. I WAS a new person. A weeks time has not eroded that feeling. But a weeks time has not lifted my loneliness and I feel like I want to sell myself short to end my loneliness. But I haven't yet done so. Knowing that I am worth more than the sum of my talents is one thing, but accepting it will be difficult.
The thing is, I accept that OTHER people do not need to do things for me, so it is really a question of self esteem. When the WMW told me that I don't need to do things for people, my self esteem did go up and it has stayed up, but it needs to go up more.
I define myself and my self worth by being in a relationship and my self esteem and self confidence is never higher when I am in one, but means I am dependent on the relationship. I suspect that a lot of people are too. A psychiatrist once told me that happy drugs are a crutch that allow depressed people to do things successfully and accomplish things so that when they don't have the drugs they can see that they can do things successfully. Perhaps, some people with the relationship drug see themselves as more than e relationship and can thrive without it. I suspect that a lot of people on happy drugs make the connection to the drugs and not to the successes; some people would say that they were successful because of the drugs and only because of the drugs.
Happy drugs are a lie though, they cause nasty side effects that trigger the patient into realizing that they are working and if they are working they must be happier and so they are, so dependency on these drugs is utterly false. However, relationships are not. There are endorphins and there may be sex, there is euphoria and there may be orgasms. All completely natural. all very real. So when they end, there is a real loss. Perhaps it all ends slowly, the loss of one or another of the things that make it all good. Perhaps you end it because your defined self esteem is great. Then good, but if it ends and you were dependent on it, then it sucks.
That was two weeks ago.
I have learned since then I have to change. It feels like I have to change everything. And in the midst of this change I don't know what is left of me. I need to change how I relate to people, how I talk to them. I need to quash my sexual obsessions as they turn people away from me. I need to turn off my intensity, even though I don't understand how or why I am intense, because I have been told that it makes me creepy and burns people, so they stay away from me.
I understand how to turn off the sexual obsessions, I just have to turn them down and tune them out, but the intensity is different. It is core to who I am, I don't know where it is where it starts or ends. Excising it might mean destroying ME. I don't know what it is that is intense. Is it how I look at people? Do I stare at my feet when I talk to people? Or do I just not make eye contact? Is it something else that makes me intense?
There are changes to make. That I know that there are changes to be made and that I have worth am I one more step towards enlightenment?
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