Crushes

The nature of crushes is really horrible.  It is the act of being in love with someone that will never love you.  Well, there is a chance that they will love you back, but if they love you back it is no longer a Crush.  I think it is called a Crush because when you are hit by one you are left in a crumpled state and when you part ways you are crumpled for a very long time.  When you get dumped you feel obliterated, but at least you have all the time before filled with happiness.  Crushes are different.  Very few of the benefits and less destructiveness at the end, for some people.  

I genuinely believe that I can't have a normal relationship.  I do believe that I can have relationships, but not the way that other people have them.  I can't meet and have sex with someone on the same night, on the same week or really within a month.  I can't decide that I will have sex with someone right upon meeting them. It seems that that is how normal people do things.  The getting to know each other happens after they have sex.  

To me, that seems backwards.  I think you should get to know someone, spend a few nights talking through the night.  If you don't hate each other after that, you keep going, if you like each other then you kiss, and when I say kiss, I mean spend time kissing.  When was the last time that you spent an hour just kissing?  When was the last time that your lips were swollen from kissing?  

Making love, having sex, fucking, used to be reserved for people that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with because making love risked a permanent change to your life and having sex with no thought changed everyone's lives with pregnancy.  People don't have to worry about pregnancy anymore, we can stop it before it happens and if it begins we can stop it still, but that does not mean that it should be approached lightly.  

Maybe it is because I can't do the modern relationship dance that I suffer from crushes so often and for so long.  Have women decided that I was not interested, or that my overtures of conversation mean that I want to be just friends, I don't know.  Most likely, I become friends with people, get to know them and then fall in love with them and they have no interest.  Sometimes, an aquaintence tells me, I meet them and become their friend and friends is all I ever will be, because I have entered the friend zone.  I also feel that it might just be that I am unattractive to women or just the ones I like.  It is really hard to tell.

When I have a crush one someone it changes me permanently.  If my life is described as a house with my love affairs and my crushes taking up space in the house, some of the crushes have bigger rooms than my love affairs and each of them is remembered.  I just got over my last love affair; it took four years to get over her while it took eight years to get over one of my crushes.  I can list them, in order, because I remember them all.  Some of them have floors in my house, some have a shelf, but they are all a permanent part of my life.

Sarah, India, Anne-Marie, Laurisa, Katarina, Anna, BlackCat, OldFriend, Kumuthiny, Sheryl, Sangita, Seven, Belarus (which is a bit hard to admit because we just chatted online), MagicEyes and now SuperGirl.  Hyun and MPTR .  I have to put them in too because I loved them too and they returned my love for them.  

I think a few of the crushes loved me back, but not enough to be in a relationship with me.  

It is taking me a long time to write this.  I am reminiscing too much and dwelling on my past mistakes.  And I am distracted.  I don't want any more crushes, I want to turn them into something lasting and sustaining.  I have already wasted too much time on them.  And yet I seem to be wasting even more time.  

This weekend that I am writing this I realise that I can't make someone love me and telling someone that I love them will not make them love me.    I know that love is something that anyone can feel for anyone given time, but they have to be willing.  Just as I can't force myself to fall in love with someone who I intellectually know is a good match on paper, but who I have not been able to overcome my shyness or a deficit of socialization.  I can't jump start a relationship with sex and I can't force someone to alter the way they think of me.  

I hate being me.