The hallucinations. They might not be hallucinations, really, they could be real. When your eye catches something in the corner, just out of focus, it tries to interpret what it is, shadows become black cats and things that you are not used to seeing like a bandaid on your arm catch you by surprise every time. It is like being high all the time with a little paranoia to boot. It is not so bad that I am believing that they are there in reality, but I do find them distracting. I think this is a sign that I am actually stressed out.
No vocabulary. Well I do have a vocabulary and I use it. Some of the words I don't remember what they mean. When I am speaking, though, I feel like I lose it all and I am reduced to speaking with kindergarten words.
Tired. I get tired after eating lunch. If I put off lunch until two or three in the pm or eat at a regular time I feel sluggish afterwards. If I don't eat at all I feel fine until four. Sometimes I don't want to go to work at all, and those days I am tired all day.
Depression. I am almost always depressed these days, my friend tells me that I have hit the bottom to which I reply that there is still more to fall. Rock bottom is an illusion, there is a way to break through that bottom and sink lower.
Functional amnesia. This morning I called my landlord because I had not hot water I turned the tap to get hot water to have hot shower to relax my muscles after a seriously long ride only to only get cold water. I might have been turning the wrong tap thinking that the hot water tap was the cold tap. I boiled water and added it to cold water to bathe because I was convinced it did not work. It might have been fixed this morning or I might be losing my functional memory, I don't know which. I don't trust myself anymore.
Suicidal thoughts. Although not as bad as four years ago, they are present again. Last night I was cycling down a hill, a steep hill, and I was hitting between 80-100kph and all the time I was thinking if I sharply turn my wheel I could wipe out and hit the ditch and die. As I write this, I imagine the pain and the broken bones and wish that I had done it.
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I am really depressed again. On top of that my boss has stirred the pot again because we were working so nicely this year and he had no drama to watch, so he gave all the men raises and all but one woman none. The one woman got a token raise half the value of the lowest raise given to a man. He was saying, you are worth half of what the man who got the smallest wage is worth. Meanwhile, she does the ordering, she does all the designing, she is the first contact person for all the landscaping jobs, she manages a long list of wealthy customers who want her to design their summer flower containers and she is the most knowledgeable staff member in the garden centre. The man who got the raise equal to double what she got, is a landscaper who stopped trying years ago because he felt he was not getting paid enough.
Fuck you.
I don't want to be there anymore, but my friend has to earn money to pay her bills so she has to stick it out even though the boss values her input so little. And I am moving at the end of the year, she feels that she will be alone, her one ally gone. The one person she can talk to. She sees my depression and asks is there any way that I can move earlier? She is under so much stress for a variety of reasons more that I have not said and I want to die which makes me feel bad for being so selfish. See there goes that rock bottom, deeper I go.
I can't help her; I have no control.
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