Tally of meaning of what was not

Thinking on what I have written in the las little while, my experimenting, my fetish and a few other things, I look shallow.  I do look shallow if you forget that I am obsessed with sex.  Sex being in my mind as what happens when you are in a mutual loving relationship.  Thinking back though, I realize that my obsession is more of the actual relationship itself.  I did not cut my ties to my new and better life for good sex, but rather a mutual loving relationship that includes sex and all the intimacies that such a relationship offers.  

I see this as the pinnacle of what I want.  Which is the mirror of my personal deficit.  The thought that I went to sleep here with on my mind was that this was never going to happen to me.  I am staying with friends in Big Smoke and I see their interactions and secretly wishing that they were mine.  Even horrible dramas of other people are preferable to the long string of one sided relationships that I have had in my life, one sided because the other person did not even know that I was interested.  I was afraid to ask not because I feared rejection, but because I knew there would be rejection that would end that fantasy life.  

I look at those people from those "relationships" and I still love thing at a deep level.  I wonder what this means, that perhaps to me it was real?  I just looked back at the objects of my affection and a few of them stand out after twenty years, others fade to shadows.  Sarah, I did never really talk to you, you were never my friend: you are gone.  Sheryl, I was your best friend when you were not single, I am sorry that I fell in love with you when you were single, but you were a very shallow person in reality: you are a shade in my history of life.  MagicEyes, I could have loved you forever, if you wanted to be in my life, I would not be carless now, but you do not desire me in your life either as a friend or more: you are becoming a shade, but one that is entirely my fault, but thank you — if we had just been friends, a lie in my heart, I would have accepted it when you got into a relationship with someone else, history has told me so, however it might destroy me, so thanks.  MPTR, I don't hate you, I don't trust you, therefore you are a shade.  Linda, if we had only just been friends.

There are a few others though I look on with a different feeling, a feeling something other than indifference, perhaps there was something in the way that the friendship ended that I feel that the relationship did not end truly or perhaps that I actually still love in some lesser or greater way.  People if they called me out of the blue might make me cry or make me very happy even if I was feeling despair, maybe not all because I love them as more than friends, but people who I still love in my heart.  Benita, a name that I cherish, a face that still haunts, perhaps the entire reason why I fin ALL Indian women attractive: sometimes I try to figure out where you live, but I stop.  I look for you on Facebook, I wonder why you use your maiden name for you teaching career, but out of the deepest respect for you I will never actually try to find you in person, but if you were in trouble I would try to rush to your aid if you called.  Sandy, Sandra, you were my bestest of best friends, it is you who I wanted to call every week, but could never figure out when would be the least disruptive time to call and never did, you were on my calling plan even though I had stopped calling on your birthday because you were never home even though you were right there I think.  Because you rebuffed two of three Facebook friend attempts, I got the message, but I ignored you because I love you so much as a friend that when it occurred to me that you might be more, I bagged those feelings pummeled them and filled the bag with bricks and tossed them into the lake, because I did not want anything to change.  If you started to talk to me on Facebook I would be happy.  If you mentioned that you cottaged an hour from where I live I would be ecstatic and I would go and see you.  I know we could pick things up from where they were last dropped.  MagicEyes, I still love you, even though I should not.  Seven, you have made your choices.  When I look at your Facebook pictures I feel love and caring for you, maybe in a decade they will go away.

I look to my friends in Big Smoke and I realize that missing out on what they have, death is preferable.  There are fights, I see only the good sides, they say, but I see the everyday sides and that is so telling.  I know that love could be around the corner for me, so I will stick it out, but deep down I want to die.  I want to die, but I can't bring sadness to my new best friend and my old friends and their children whom I love.  Perhaps later, if I am still alone, I will let myself die.