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Meeting women has never been tough for me.  Meeting lovers has always been excruciatingly difficult.  You walk on the street and half the people in this world are women, you smile and they might smile or they might run in fear of you; it might just be my smile.  You see a woman in distress and you help her and you will get a smile.  A couple months ago a stranger accidentally spilled a something at Starbucks and it was about to start dripping.  The counter person could not get to it and it was awkward for the woman, you could tell the thoughts going through her head were: shit or fuck, not now, why today, my day is just trashed.  Reaching out grabbing a bunch of napkins and cleaning it up for her, took almost nothing for me, it was less awkward for me to accomplish than for her.  I was rewarded with a smile and a thank you.  She was a very pretty young blonde woman.  She was petite and the scowl of frustration melting away on her face was wonderful, it reached her blue eyes and maybe her steps were lighter afterwards.  Maybe her day was crappy anyway, but I like to think that it wasn't and that she had a good morning, even though nothing I did impacted the people that talked to her for the rest of the day, but perhaps.

Almost every other person I saw that day did not see me.

Meeting women when there is an expectation is difficult.  It is like because they expect that I am expecting sex things are off on the wrong foot from the start.  But I am not sure anymore if I want sex at all.  My experiences in the past year, in the past five years have not been positive.  Is that weird?— that a sex obsessed individual is running scared from sex.

I have become closer to girls who serve me at Tim Hortons than to the women I talk to online, but I can't translate either in to anything. The servers are strictly servers and they don't really want to talk to me in their spare time.  I am just a regular who they can predict what I want by just showing up.  To them I am XLSTDDwC, 12GBwHGCC and a sour cream donut in the morning with the morning staff, XLSTDDwC, grilled cheese and two muffins in the evening with the evening staff and both with the weekend staff at a different Tim's because I am not going to work and can sit down and write this.  

Maybe the online people are not looking for the same thing as I am.  Maybe they are all over the place, looking for sex, looking for marriage, looking for specific qualities that are not apparent from a computer screen, that everyone has, but they are looking for the ones that can express it in five to ten words.  

Do I have a date in the next 36 hours?  I don't know.  I am a match with 99% certainty according to OkCupid. But everything depends on the first meeting.  And I am so unsure about everything.  Because I have such a great track record with all these things.