The right option

Right now.  My head is breaking apart.  Sudden Onset Depression is tearing me apart.  The acceptance that my best friend of the 90s just doesn't want to be a part of my life and the acceptance that SuperGirl also doesn't want to be any part of my life coupled with my social blunders of the past week which number three, with three separate people, are making me wish that I had been successful in my suicide attempt.  Not that I am looking to die today, I just wish that I had died those many years ago, before I really knew any of them.  

It is not self pity.  It is exasperation that I feel that I have come so far only to have stayed in the same place; that nothing has really changed in twenty-one years.

Maybe I do want to die.  My desperation to be social is gnawing at my insides and yet I seem to be persistently undermining every social interaction I have.

To be clear.  I don't ever want to have a crush on anyone again.  I did not want to have a crush on SuperGirl this Summer.  When I sensed the possibility existed, I was proactive and sought to remedy it by trying to socialize with her, which was initially successful, but later failed, but not my fault.  My attempt at normal socializations failed and I fell into the Crush Trap is was trying to avoid.  I did not want that.  I can't seem to control who I fall in love with and I keep getting hurt.  Maybe suicide IS the right option.

Not because I am depressed but because I can't cope