It comes that where I write this it is near the end of the year, not in other places but where I am it is. And a lot of people choose this time to reflect on the year that has passed. Why should I be any different? So I will tell you how this year has ended. For the first time in many years I have ended my year better than I was when I started, significantly. This is mostly due to a few things: a workplace that treated me with respect, getting out and dating, although there was only two official dates and two meetings, I have pushed myself to my limits and I did not break, I have lost a bit of weight and I discovered many personal truths that I did not know about before. Not everything is positive, there has been a lot of negative, but there has been enough positive that I have not been at all concerned about that negative stuff at all.
My workplace has mostly been positive and that has rubbed off on me and I am more positive person now. It is funny when you work with people not trying to make themselves superior or to just trying to tear you down all the time how that will allow you to be positive. I started there with a wage that I considered modest but in my old workplace my boss would never have paid me and by the end of the year I ended with a wage that was comparable to what people who worked at my old job got in fifteen years. More when I left, they tried to get me to stay by offering the use of a vehicle to get to and from work each day. I had to decline, because I did not want to be working 80 hours a week and commuting another 12 hours each week too; I don't even like driving and I know that I am a bad driver. But it was the thought that counted. I wish that I could work for them, but I need to get my social life working for me.
Two dates and two meetings. The two dates were a mix of good and bad, but they both represented me stepping out of my boundaries. The first date was not very good. I talked for a few weeks with her, but the connection seemed to be there but when we met it fell short. Additionally, there was conflict. She seemed to be arguing counter everything I talked about. It might have been that were were both not ready to date anyone or that there was no connection. She argued every this I said and checked her watch a lot, sure sign that there was no chemistry. The next date did not occur for another four months, but it was well worth the wait. I had a ball and I was relaxed. She took photos of me and told me to replace my old ones on my dating profile. Her profile said that she was intense, but I found her fun to be around. She told me that she found me attractive, but that I lived too far away to date. Still, we are friends and I still chat and send her emails. She is the only person who I wanted to kiss on the first date-- it felt like love at first site.
The two meetings were mixed as well. The first was in late August and occurred after eight full months of chatting, but it was only ever that, a meeting. She wanted to meet me because she thought that she would not get a chance to ever again. We talked about many things and had a long conversation about teaching. She was not interested in continuing anything beyond that point so we left it there. My second meeting occurred about thirty hours ago and since she reads this blog actively, I have to be generous in what i say here, just kidding, I will tell it all as how I feel it, because I would tell her privately this stuff anyways. She is great, but she is also holding herself back from me, like she feels that she could fall for me, but does not want to because of something had happened to her in her recent past. I am being circumspect on this, because I know a little bit what it was and it is not for me to share with you. She can do that if she wishes by leaving a comment. In any case it is not like this relationship will be anything other than ephemerally physical and deeply personal as friends. We are both deeply intense people and tend to burn people to a crisp with our presence. I could fall in love with this woman one day if I am patient and give her total control. Perhaps in the new year we will have more limited meetings and eventually she might want to have a date. I think she is worth the wait.
I did a Teacher Course, partially to appease my friends that I was trying to work towards a good place and a better job, but also because I have not explored that avenue in a few years and it still interests me. I was working at the time and the teacher claimed that we would need at least twelve hours a week to complete the course. There are 168 hours in every week and I was working for 70-80 of those hours every week, six days a week. some of those weeks were in fact closer to 85 hours. I was bicycling 13km each direction to get to work call it two hours a day with breakfast and supper included. I was getting to work early, but I allowed the extra time so that I would still be on time even if something bad happened, so another 45min a day. This totalled to 16.5h plus 70-80h to 86-96 hours from 144 hours 48-58 hours left for sleep and Lunch subtract 3 hours for 45-55 hours for sleep, divide by six days and 7.5 hours of sleep to 9.1, did i forget laundry and showering and getting awake and dressed? call it 7-8 hours for sleeping each day. Sunday, wake up at the same time and go to Tims and spend 6 hours a day doing school work and socializing. I quickly reasoned after a few weeks that I had made a horrible mistake and had told the instructor that I was over my head, but he insisted that they could accommodate me, so I stayed. Weeks later he reneged and I had to take him to his superior. When I completed the course I only took three weeks longer to complete it and I thought I had done a good job, despite that I had used half of the suggested time to complete the work-- that gave me more confidence.
I lost weight. Years ago I was told that my ideal weight was closer to 225 pounds than my 290 pounds that I was. Working 12-14 hours a day and biking 26km each day did wonders, by september I had lost 60 pounds. I did not feel better, but then I was also exhausted so I was not a good judge. A few times I went out for a leisurely bike ride and I did discover that I was a terror on the road, travelling at 50km/h on bicycle paths with many near collisions, just burning off extra energy that I had after the course work had been finished and I actually had a free day. I read a bit more too.
The biggest change in my year was the discovery of the word Demisexuality and that it applied to me. Demiromantic too. What can I say that i have not already said. It was like one day I was struggling with definitions that did not work that described me but fell short and then WHAM!! Silence. Calm. Explaining why this is so, is difficult. When someone defines a word that applies to you you can feel that the word limits you or perhaps the word can allow you use its boundaries to end a disconnect that you have with the world. The latter applies to me. All the failed sexual encounters and difficulty expressing myself and the successes too were framed and fit in with the definition; it allowed me to understand what my limits might be and why. It allowed me to see with new eyes. It gave me a way to explain my boundaries to people that I never had before. It breathed life into a word that I thought I knew what it meant, but clearly did not. I can go to the top of the local mountain and shout at the top of my voice, “I am ASEXUAL!” But, that does not mean that I don't like sex, it does mean that I do not see the gender that I like as all hips to be fucked, but as people that I don't know and therefore not to be pumped at the earliest opportunity. Not that sexual people think that, but it is like the potential is there. I always fell in love with friends, now I know why. I can see someone and think they are beautiful, but not want to have sex with them-- point in fact, I will see sexually attractive people and just not be interested in them sexually. My abnormalness feels normal. I am relaxed.
I visited my friend, GardenerGuru and she told me that something had changed in me, something had changed for the better. I had last seen her in October, so something had changed in me since then. I am almost, happy?-- it is a tough and elusive emotion for me so I don't know if I can say that it is true, yet. There is new hope in my life. It might be that I feel that at least two people new in my life find me attractive and maybe worth keeping in their life. Maybe there is a third . . .. And I have not even had sex with any of them, which is a new way of looking at my personal milestones, thank-you PolyGirl for showing me that I could be Demi.
I wonder what will happen in 2016?
No comments:
Post a Comment