The New Thinking Me

It is weird.  I was told to have a nice life two weeks ago and I accepted it, because I was the primary reason and the secondary reason.  The tertiary reason was her, that she was changing her views on life and relationships and I (the secondary reason) was not paying attention to that and I was thinking that everything about her was the same as it was before I met her.  The primary reason was so completely despicable that if I told my own mother what I did, she would divorce me.  Okay not that bad.  What I did was break confidence.  So I am not going to compound it by saying it here either.

What I am going to say is that I can't stop thinking about her.  And by saying that, nothing will change, because she is a person that does not flip flop, especially when she is right.  And if she reads this she might delete me from Facebook, just to end it all the faster for me.  I would not like that.  I see her life progressing without me and that is good because it lets me prick the bubble of my ego that I really do not have.  I read her blog, which I did not understand before she ended my participation in her life.  It is a blog that is a collection of things that she likes and less a direct expression of who she is, but this indirect blog allows her to flesh herself out by not lying about who she is, as many people do with written blogs.  You are what you like, I was told in High School.  She likes this quote, this picture, this concept; it is those things that she is.

Her picture is in my head.  I like her.  More than she will ever let me and because I did not pay attention, more than she ever wanted.  But because I am writing, I may be lying.  I may want her to read my words and to have doubt.  But I actually do not want my words to change her.  If I feel pain at my loss, it is my pain to feel and for the record I feel no pain.

I have note really written anything in two weeks, I want to but I don't.  I have a few things unfinished and my thoughts are writing things but they never hit paper.  Has this?

I have been very distracted recently.  This summer, actually.  I have not been able to remember things.  I have burnt three pizzas to I edible carbon and left the elements on innumerable times and my moods while not depressed, have been scaring people.  It might mean I am through with this town, but the problem is, I am not sure what town, city, country is left.  I have been losing context with everything.

Oh yes, and I am going to become and Uncle again soon, but never a father.

I have been sleeping more in the last week.  I have been trying to eat better, for the first time all summer.  That is I have cooked meals and eaten balanced stuff with vegetables and less, actually no pre made stuff.  And I have not watched porn for two whole weeks.  This is not to try to get her back, because if she texts me to say that I won't believe it. Or if she does I will check to see when she read this entry and I will have to deny her, because when someone breaks their routine it bothers me.  I am no longer her routine

Thanks for disturbing my routine and helping me think more about what I do.  Oh one more thing any suggestions that would let me not be so serious about everything?

Oh one last thing, that thing that I did that was an example of my male privilege upbringing has another possible explanation.  Something my friend told me, without knowing about that situation.  She said I have no boundaries.  It she is right, with my friends, the people I trust and unfortunately quite a few other people, I have no boundaries. My personal space starts at my skin.  Just food for thought.