Behaviour modification II

The funny thing is how it happens.  Someone presents this idea to me that I don't agree with, likely because it is something I have not thought about or because it is not in my best interest at the time, so I ignore it.  

I then listen to it and follow it.  I chew it over in my head and then I look at it from both sides.  Then I analyze it.  And if I find my earlier ideas lacking I change.  And sometimes it is because I need to change and sometimes it is because if I don't change I will be lost.  So I change.  Sometimes I change so I don't lose something that I think is important, sometimes something is actually someone.

Change is difficult.

Especially if it is something that I have been thinking for a very long time.  Take sex.  I want to have sex, a lot.  More than almost anyone on the planet, mostly because I don't get any.  So when someone comes along and I think I can have sex with them I get excited.  I NEVER force the issue, but I persist.  Even after I agree not to.  You see sex is two things.  It is a biological imperative, get out and reproduce.  And secondly it is a social reward, people gift themselves with when they get together and like each other.  It is a social reward that I have a hard time getting to enjoy.  It is like I don't deserve it.  I am not good enough to get it.  It is something that I have therefore begun obsessing over.

Here is the thing, how it applies to Magic Eyes.  Who has magical eyes.  She has told me that we will never have sex because she wants me as a friend only and I can't stop wanting sex, but I have with her because I would destroy our friendship.   

So I find my behaviour modified.  I still want sex, a lot of sex, but I have stopped  looking for it from her.  I have modified it so that I percieve that she is not what I am looking for.  She has in a sense become, "unattractive" to me.  

The bad news is now that that has happened, things will typically get dangerous.  I never fall for women that I can have sex with.  I fall for women that I am not interested in.  Is it because I am not looking for sex and so I learn who they are, I don't know, but now I fear falling love with her.

I still joke with her about me wanting her, but those are trained words coming from trained lips.  I don't feel it and I am afraid.