The trouble is that I can't blog about my day. My day was full of emotion. But I can't write about it. The problem is that someone who reads my blog and is a very important part of my life, is part of the subject of this blog. I don't think it is their fault, but I would imagine that they might not like it. I would ask them not to read it. Magic Eyes, this is you.
I have empathy. I have listened to women my entire life, well over twenty years; I said little but I listened. I have always been a lover of women, girls, even though it was socially unacceptable as a child; I never understood why. In high school I was the worst at talking with people and even worse with girls my own age, but still I listened. In university I started talking to and with women, I listened even then. Honestly though, I was very interested in sex, but because of my poor social skills, I could not actually complete the deal. I missed it when women were throwing themselves at me; I was clueless. But all my listening and paying attention did start to get me one thing though, female friends.
Some of these friends became my best friends, we talked about the girls that I liked and the guys that they liked and I realized that I could be completely honest except telling them, that they were the people that I loved. I listened to how their boyfriends were mean, or how they were assholes. I listened to their stories about how good they were in bed, knives twisting in my guts. And they rushed to tell me that they had just broken up and I owned the shoulder that they cried on, all the while I was secretly in love with them. When they had breakups I never rushed in to kiss them, I was their friend and I wanted them to have the time they needed before I told them. I was always too late.
Over the years, I tried my best to be their best friend. I did not make changes in my views to pick up, nor did I pick up my views to appear a better mate, I did it because I love women and I am their fan. Not many men do that. Most just continue being who they are and I am beginning to see that they were smart and had the right idea.
I have been the best friend to about ten or more women over the years, over twenty years. Some of them I broke the rule, don't fall in love with them. Okay usually I broke the rule and told them that I loved them. Many of them told me that I was way better than a boy friend, I was a friend. Many of them told me intimate details of their life, length and girth. But they never wanted to share intimacies with me. A few did. One because she was in need, and one because she loved and needed me. But mostly they ended because of betrayal, I betrayed them by being in love with them.
If I told my friends, all the female ones, that as I get to know them the more I like them and the more I love them. The longer I know them the more I love them. The more time I spend with them the more I love them. The longer I love them the deeper I love them. If I told them this, I would have no female friends. I love all of them.
I just can't stop. Age does not matter. Twenty years older twenty years younger, it does not matter. I want to do good by them all.
So when someone tells me that they want to just be friends, it breaks my heart, as far as I can tell, I will be destined to fall in love with them, listen to their trials and tribulations about their other relationships, knives twisting in my stomach, hear about how they love who they love, guts trailing behind me. I am tired of it, I want to have love come first or even better love come hand in hand with friendship, because I want what they want most.
But what has happened is that my best friends, women all, treat me as a friend because I am a already made person, but they fall in love with imperfect selfish men. They want to fix these men, they want to take care of these men, they want to party with these men. Typically, these men are immature, they can't keep money, they cheat, they lie and they get laid. I don't want to be these men, I want to be the person I am, but I really don't want to keep being a best friend man to women. It is hard, falling in love with women who think that you as their friend are better than their lover.
Maybe I can try this one last time. One last time I will be a woman's best friend. I will try not to fall in love with her. But I am close already, the more I get to know her the closer I get. How can I not love a person like her?
The thing is, this is the thing at the very heart of the matter, when someone tells me that they only want me as a friend and they tell me that it is better than as a lover, I think they are lying, that they just don't want to hurt my feelings. I have seen the way that women act when they are in love and with their lover; being just friends is not better, it is the consolation prize. It makes me feel like a failure. Once again, I am a failure in the most important arena I know and the one that the rest of humanity, life, has no problem in.
Oh yeah, well Magic Eyes, that last paragraph you did not read. How could I let you read it? At best it would upset you, at worse it would coerce you into sex. I guess I am best friend material, I always thought that it would make me perfect boyfriend material. Time for a do over.
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