So I feel that when I am writing to an audience I write to that audience, and I know that the person I am going to be talking about will be reading this post, but I will try to ignore that fact and write like, you Magic Eyes, are not reading this.
Her smell is intoxicating. I want to make love to her and when ever I get a text from her, unexpectantly, I harden up. When she suggests we meet I harden up. When I hug her, I harden up. Usually this only happens after sex. I don't care if I have sex with her, traditionally sex is not that important for me, mostly because it does not do anything for me, usually. But when I am in love, it is the best thing. I don't know if I am in love. I like her, a lot, but part of me thinks we are rushing, which is funny because we have yet to kiss.
I made quite a few dumb comments this not date, all about moving to the next level. There is no level. There are no dates. I know that she just wants to be friends and if I make these comments and she complies I feel that she might be doing it because I want it and she doesn't. I really like her I want to kiss her. I want to spend hours just kissing. I also want to hug her and I want to spend hours hugging her too. And I know if I do either I will want to make love to her very strongly and I will be very very hard. But I really like going slowly.
I have always been in a rush to remove my clothes. My first datish I was a real dork, back when I was a virgin, and I wanted to get intimate and she wanted to get intimate, but we were both quiet until we called each other after the date and she said what she wanted to do. I am still a dork, but every relationship has been removing clothing quickly and no getting to know each other and I have always felt that I was missing something. Now I am not missing it and I really like it; I want more. Just sitting around talking and going slow is wonderful. Same time I want to time warp a head and make love to her. No, actually I don't. I think if I started kissing her I would be dry humping her through her clothes, but I don't want to have sex. But I do.
The thing is every time someone gets in a relationship they mention the same thing, that they never went slow and they jumped in the sack almost right away and the last one, that they wished that they had a lover that they waited and got to know them and they had not jumped in the sack right away, but they never have; they usually say this naked under the sheets in post sex bliss. But now I am getting lessons on doing this now and I really like it.
My first blooper comment I forget, but it was along the lines that the date would be only good if she kissed me. And that was a lie. It was a great not date. The next one was that I brought up something from her profile said that she usually had sex on the first date. And these were all stupid, because they did not apply. I was having a great time not kissing her and I was enjoying her company without sex and those comments were risking that and our special relationship. Our relationship is not about how quickly we can cover the various stages of a relationship, but covering the naturally. We have hugged once on one long not date. Once in the car on another and another hug. Then this last date we were hugging a lot, like once, twice and four times in the car. We both like hugging, but I am afraid.
When we first started we were dating in real, but then she decided that she did not want to date; she did not want to be in a relationship because she did not like her behaviour when she was dating. She said that she became the person that she thought they wanted her to be. She wanted to focus on herself, to develop her own personality, to become a real person. I want her to be that person. I want her to be all she can be. If she is the best person she is deeper and will be a person whom I can appreciate and I can love deeper. But, she knows that I want that. I revel that she seems to desire it, but fear that she is doing it because she likes me and knows that I want it. I fear that me being around her has changed her. I have broken up with people for this reason. More than once.
She ended the relationship because she was afraid of hurting me. But then we went out again and had a really good long emotionally deep talk and we dropped a lot of baggage and expectations in each others laps. And then we spent a week apart and then we saw each other briefly and then had another non date three days later and although we were not all over each other, I am not sure who is the one holding back.
Our next date may be in the middle of e week or it might be in the next couple of days, or it might be as planned on Saturday night through to Sunday afternoon, a sleep over. Not a sex over. I think if it starts to go that way I will be upset, she will be upset and the relationship would collapse. It would be great because I think it would be magical, but everything would be over. The full moment at some future date that might never come to pass, would not.
We sat in the car before she got out and she asked if I wanted to car hug again. Last time I bit her lightly, I resolved that I would not do this again and told her so. We did. My face was pressed against her neck. She accused me of smelling her, it had not occurred to me and I instantly wanted to. She asked me if I wanted to hug again, I did. We hugged and in inhaled and I wanted to bite her on her neck. I mouthed her instead, I wanted to kiss her. We hugged again. She asked if I wanted to hug her a last time and I dutifully turned it back to her and made it her choice. I was happy after she hugged me, but I wondered as I drove away with my erection, did she want to hug me or did she hug me because I wanted to hug her.
Did I mention her scent is intoxicating and that I am turned on by her call?
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