The trouble is, is that to be me, with my particular form of AS (Asperger's Syndrome), is pure hell at times. I have mentioned before that my particular obsession is sex. For all intensive purposes, I am a sex addict, but there is no treatment for me. I am obsessive compulsive about sex. That is when I get horny I feel that I NEED to have sex, in one of its many forms. Unfortunately for me, before last year, most of the forms of sex that I experienced offered no respite. Sex with a condom, no pleasure, oral sex with a condom, no pleasure, oral sex without a condom, pain, receiving a hand job, no pleasure, masturbation something, but really not much. I swear, no word of a lie, I masturbate an average of five or six times a day. The Internet has been a godsend and a curse, one it gives me so many more choices and bad, I get horny every time I turn on the Internet. I should point out, that when I get horny I find it difficult to think of anything else, to the point that in the morning I will leave it until I have to leave for work and I will miss breakfast, and I will be late too. I often injure myself too; of course I can't stop for an injury.
Do you see now? This is serious OCD and addiction stuff. Because I have a very low EQ I find it difficult to get past being a friend. Women find that I make a great friend, and only a friend. So one day a few years ago when I was coming on far too strong for a friend, she suggested professional help. At that point I had gone almost four years without sex, before that brief relationship I had not had sex in eight years, are you getting this? It is not like I am remotely successful with women, or know for that matter if a woman is interested; I just cannot tell and they think, even after I tell them that I can't tell, that I rebuff their signs and hints. I need people to tell me if they are interested.
Thursday, 6 October 2011
Professional Help
So she told me to seek professional help. A Prostitute. I was desperate, because I did not want to destroy another friendship because I was horny all the time around this one woman. She cut me off from seeing her too. So I did what I never had done before and tried to get it out of me. $350 later and by-the-way I was not working at the time so that was a major expense, I had slept with a really nice woman who wanted me to be happy. I have known Prostitutes before, just never sampled the wares. I learned a few things from her, some darker and some not so dark. 60% of all the money a Professional makes goes to her handler. The Handler may run the Escort agency or it may be a woman that advertises and screens all the clients. Independents get all the money they make, she just went independent and I was her first client. Some use drugs to keep them in the game but not in the present; she was using the date rape drug so that she could feel like it was happening to someone else. Innocent me did not know this until afterwards. I asked she answered, I guess most people never cared to ask. I wanted to take her out to dinner afterwards, because I thought it was the right thing to do. She just wanted me to come back and be a regular. Obviously, since I was not working that, never happened. She was Indian; I have always had a place in my heart for Indians, that is people from India, since my obsession with a friend from High School.
Last year, a friend jumped me and let me know that she liked me by actually letting me know with words. She also liked to have sex without protection. So this was the first time for that ever and she cured me of a few less endearing ideas about sex that I had, like it was boring. And she reacquainted me with what an orgasm really feels like. And then it stopped cold with no warning. And I was left wanting what I was missing badly.
So I sought Professional help again, hoping I knew enough this time. One single and one threesome. I learned a few things, like I am really good in bed, natural assets and technique that hits everything right . . .. But the experiences left me wanting. So I moved to Boonieville where that girl lives. She is very happy to lead me on, and she occasionally reads this Blog, so I am now in trouble. I am over simplifying things, but I feel that I do things to make her feel comfortable and happy. I let her head rest on my shoulder, tell her that she is not being treated correctly, I tell her how I would approach problems and issues in her life, and play with her son and make them happy, (I am happy making them happy). Then I go home and masturbate through the pain, cuts and friction burns.
And I am slowly falling out of love for her. I was never initially physically attracted to her. I was mentally attracted to her and where my mind goes my body heart and body will follow. Now the frustration is getting to me and the rose coloured glasses are being lifted. And I go to the big Smoke to see friends, buy a solar gadget or two several books and food, real food. Indian, Thai, Korean, other food. And I will seek out professional help. Because I am tired, lonely, frustrated and I have had a very difficult summer, one where I was close to killing myself. I still am close to killing myself. I need to try again, to see if I can find pleasure in sex again. If I told her where I was, I might get sex, but it would be for the wrong reasons.
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