It is funny. Funny that I should have more fun in this city now that I have not lived here for nearly a year. When I was here before I was mostly alone and very lonely, but now it has not been that way. I know why; it is the people. I am with people here. I played games with a new person and my friend.
People are not meant to be alone, we go crazy alone. We get depressed more often and we die sooner. It is not about health it is about dying of loneliness. I feel that I don't need sex, in any form, when I am satisfied.
My friends from university are progressing from where they stopped. One has published a book of poetry, I think this is her second book, one is moving up within his work place, a head office of the biggest bank in the country; he is getting recognized. The friend I am staying with, is defending his doctorate next month and is publishing his dissertation in a academic book form. Two of them are teachers, university teachers. Another friend has a family of geniuses and has gone back to school to become a chiropractor. All four of them have post graduate degrees. I do not feel envy for them, I am proud of them, but I am envious of their apparent success in their lives. Although I believe two of them are not happy, just happier than me.
Death is my companion. This winter will be tough, suicide will the instrument of my demise. I was unhappy in Toronto last time, I was less alone in Toronto, I was still lonely but, less so. Bored do to lack of work but, now I have employment and depression worse than before. Soon I will not have that, seasonal lay offs. Will I start to read again or will I be too depressed to do that. Will I try to organize a game of not. Will I get to play Settlers of Catan with new friends and old? Or will I die of loneliness this winter.
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