Hungry

Today I woke up hungry.  

What ever I ate did not fill the hole in my stomach, 

So I ate more.  

I watched things on TV, 

But that did nothing.  

I went for a ride in the freezing cold,

That did nothing too.

The sun is shining on the world,

But it is cloudy in my heart.

My friend pointed out my faults to me,

And told me how to overcome them,

Simple answers,

He is so wise.

So wise to see everything clearly,

So wise to see the answer,

If he were me.

He does not see clearly.

His observations are of what I do, not think.

He mistakes my ambivalence for passivity,

But does not see that I have no control.

There is only one thing that I control in my life,

I fight on days like this for that control.

Days like this I don't want to be here,

I don't want to be alive.

I moved to gain control and lost more.

I moved to get what I want, 

But only gained broken illusions.

The hole in my can't be filled, only ignored.

I am half a person, not real, only imagined.

If I went away, if I died, the story around me would close,

And the people would forget, going on as if I were not ever.

I imagine pulling a gun and publicly decorating the coffee shop's walls,

And life continuing, without skipping a beat.

Only a mop cleaning up aisle six,

Cleaning up the floor at night.

Perhaps then it might be noticed, 

That the mop water was a funny shade of red.

Maybe a trip over the husk,

Might illicit a foul curse, and a cast out the door.