Another brief note

Started trying to date in the big city.  It was one of the reasons why I came here.  It was one of the things that my friends suggested would improve if I moved there with them, but it seems that that was just a lure, because as soon as I get here the comments that I should not be looking.  I need to find a good job before I look.  I need to do this, I need to do that.  I do need to do those things, I admit that, but I also need to expand out as well.  I need to not depend on them for my interactions and my socialization.  They would be the first people to tell me that I am better than a McJob and that going for that is a waste of my talents.  They are correct, and they are wrong.  I am smart and intelligent and I could do any of the jobs that they think I could do, but I don't have the experience and while they know that I have Autistic Spectrum Disorder, they don't really understand the far reaching effects of that.  They believe it is just a minor aspect of how I do things.  I wish it were.  People are rigid in their thinking and get more rigid as they age, ASD people are as rigid as old people when they are young and get more rigid as they age too, simply knowing that this is true does not make old people less rigid and neither does it work for me.  Give me time for the flexibility to filter through my being and I am better, but I can't spin on a dime.  It is like my neat freak friend suppressing his freak because he has children, he has, but he hasn't.

And I am obsessed with sex,  (Hey are you Blond and a Romanian Hungarian — pay attention) but I am trying to not be, but it is a part of my Obsessive socialization protocols as an ASD person.  I am trying to repress extensive parts of my personality to be a better social person.  As I have said before, Emotional Quotient is much more responsible for economic well being than Intelligence Quotient.  ASD people don't have a high or even average EQ, that is just a fact.  I fear that I will be driving a wedge in our friendship by me living with them because their wishes of me to reach my potential, their ideas of my potential that do not match my real potential.  

Cop out I hear.  Listen, an introvert can have an outgoing job and be social able all day, but when they go home they hide and need to be alone, because they are tired.  Dealing with people drains them.  It energizes Extraverts.  Imagine that I have to concsiously suppress aspects of my personality all the time to interact with people.  I have to repress, sexual comments, rigid thinking, my introversion and a few other things.  It leaves me scattered and I make errors, I have slips.  I screw up.  I have been fired from jobs because of these slip ups.  As an ASD person I have to keep my temper in check, I don't hurt people when angry, but I get very strong and scarey, and I am very strong already.  I don't know how to relax.  I suspect if I am mentally and socially forfilled I will relax, but since that has not ever happened, who knows.

My friends tell me that if I have a good job and I am happy with myself I will get a relationship that works, but what if, for me, I need a relationship to be happy and get a good job?  Is it any wonder that the stereotype of autistic adults is a man who is smart but only works a subsistence job and lives alone?

I tend to be a one woman person, serial monogamy.  It is really worse than that because it extends to trying to date and does not kick in after sex like it does for most people.  Talk to a woman fall in love and then out of love, talk to a new woman.  Crushes are super serious and super bad.  The crush of this summer, SuperGirl, was especially deadly, she is the spitting image of Arya in the Game of Thrones TV show, that is an older version of her, which means I will be thinking of her Everytime I see her, until GRRM kills off her character, which I don't want because she was one of two favourite characters in the books.  Her and Jon.  My friend has started watching Game of Thrones with his wife just the other day, so the effects of the crush of the last summer are hitting me again.  Still, I try to date.  Did I mention that?  After one day chatting I am trying to resist the pull of sudden crushes.  Are you reading this, am I succeeding?  

I could apply for a Tim horton's job.  I might get it then I would be employed and I could relax a little, but I suspect my friends would bug me because I would be selling myself short.  But what jobs are entry level for 42 year olds?  The seven years of Garden centre expertise that I have built up are not worth more than minimum wage here in the City.  Truth is they rely on low skill cheap workers and since I have working knowledge but no letters it would not be worth what I was making before.  Still I will try.  Truthfully, my friends see that work as beneath me too.  They know I am a trained teacher, but they don't know what it really takes to become one.  Engratiating on a principal or two, and that takes serious EQ, not IQ, classroom management and not theoretical knowledge.  I need to bump up my additional qualifications a bit, something that requires a full time teaching job.

Tell me I am shooting myself down before I try, sure, but I will try anyways, I am just being realistic.