Quite alone

When I am not interested in sex, you know that my depression is bad.  Partially it is PoF.  Someone told me that wanted to meet me today and then they proofed on me.  I try not to take personally, but it is kind of tough.  I get the feeling that it is time to surrender and die.

I try to be nice to the people I love, but it is clear that they don't love me.  And the people who don't know me will never love me either.  I live too far away from real people like me.  People who would date me wont because of the distance.  

The last time I attempted suicide it was cold out and I decided that I should die of exposure.  So I walked out and went into the woods and took my clothes off and waited to die.  If I had been successful my parents would have recovered by now and they would have been happy and I would not have had them constantly worrying about me.  I know that they would not be happier without me, but they would be better off without me.  And all the people that know me now, save four, would not have met me, and few of them have I made a impact on their life.

I had just spent a partial day with a friend, and had a date with someone in the morning, but it feels like nothing is going well.  Everything is in fact stable.  Stable some people would say is good, but right now stable is just above rock bottom; I am tired of being just above rock bottom.  Granted there are a lot of people worse off than me, but my current projection is more of the same for years to come and later it gets worse.

What will keep me alive is that I do not have the money to afford my cremation and so I would never want to impose on my parents.

Maybe sleep will help, but tomorrow I have to start Cat sitting for a friend, and that means being even more isolated than I am now.  I like cats, but I am allergic.  And it is so quiet there.  And I will be more alone there.  With myself alone.