This is not me feeling pity for myself or exactly just obsessing over my depression. Well it is that, but it is also realizing the depths of it. It comes from trying to dat women on PoF. All of them within ten years of me have already had children. They have been married. They have been doing all the things that I have only wanted to do and that IS the problem. I have been obsessing over the wrong thing. I am not a woman, even though a lot of men and a few women think that I am a woman, it is not my lot in life to pick up and have sex when ever I want to. My lot in life should have been making money only. By not concentrating on the pursuit of money or the pursuit of material goals I have priced myself out of the rest. By obsessing over women, I have guaranteed that I do not get what I want most from life.
The best way to get the girl in our society is to become successful in what you are trying to do. You get relationships in high school by being hot, or by being interesting. In high school I was a table top RPG geek at a time where being a geek was the worst thing to be. I did not see the girls that were interested in me, I could only see the girl that I was obsessing over, the one least likely to date me.
In university you get in relationships by being passionate about something and by being hot. But I was still obsessed with one or two women and could not see anyone else. And there were other people that saw me as someone they wanted to, in the very least have sex with, but because I was so obsessed I never saw them, but being blessed with a near perfect memory, I know what I missed. It also helped that I could not communicate my desires to the women that I felt I loved and when they asked me who I loved I lied, to deflect them, because they had their eye on someone else; I became very adept at making the people I loved friends.
After school there are two paths take your current lover and marry them have a child or three then an affair and divorce them or in my case be very happy until the end of time, if it were me. Or the second path, you get relationships by looking good, hot always works, but looking good is about showing women that you have a good job, or that you save money well, that you could afford to treat her well. That was the only option that was really open to me, the option that my father took. You have to be able to get a job and do well in it and rise to heights or pay so that women look at your suit, you shoes, your new car, the nice house you own, even crappy house you own is still better than nothing. Because it shows you are successful. Admittedly I would probably become obsessed with one woman early on, but that is okay, because she would have seen me as someone with a future likely. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have been more socially knowledgeable likei am now and I could have seen it. But not likely.
Now, @40, it is over. Most of the women out there looking for relationships are through having children. That is fine, I can deal with that. The ones that still want children want someone who is well off, well they all want someone who is well off. The ones that grew up expecting the man to make more than them, still mostly expect that, except they are usually making more than most men.
Right now I look back and see that what I most want could only be achieved by not focussing on it. I see everything I have done as the wrong decision and I have lost all that I could have wanted. The other thing that I always see is what I missed by deciding to take one course of action, I can see the other the other result. Clearly. If I had decided to brush off my parents for thanksgiving years ago, a girlfriend would have resulted. If I had stayed in Smallville instead of going to BigSmoke a few years ago, MPTR would have been with me now. If I had gone and dog sat in Big Smoke this last Christmas, Seventh would have been with me now. Well even I can see that the last one, is a bit tenuous as she is so flighty that all I would have gotten was a night. But that is all I want now, a night with someone I love. Gone are the expectation of children, gone is the expectation of a relationship. I just want a night. A week would be bliss.
But I don't expect that either.
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