Rape?

I am a little wired right now.  I was reading my friend's blog and she wrote about a very important problem in today's world, that men think it is permissible to rape a drunk woman.  This made me angry and sad and made me upset and I asked her a question about drunk rapes. And I will tell you that in a bit.  But first before I was through, someone threatened her with rape because of her post and I am wired because of that.  I wanted to rip his throat out for his words, "I hope you get raped."

So, because confession is good for the soul, even though I have no soul, I am here to confess my not so but could have been rape if only.

The trouble is, I have a nearly perfect memory, not photographic, but close I remember actions and events near perfectly and I know when something is being made up in my memory and I know what is true.  So when I tell you these things I did I can tell you the total truth.  I don't know what colour her robe was or what what my girlfriend was wearing or what my friend was wearing either but I know that people were wearing clothes and just fill that in with something that I know is fake, but I know what was real.

October 31, 1996 was the day that I almost lost my virginity twice.  My girlfriend at the time, let us say friend, with a benefit package, did not love me but was anxious to lose her virginity as I was.  She was 22 and I was 24 and really it is not a big surprise that I took so long to have sex because I was foolish and believed in love and was an introvert and had a case of undiagnosed AS to boot.  I loved another, but had been told that she was not interested in me enough times that I was starting to get the message and my friend was not in love with me either she was interested in the guy that got away too, but she did want to have sex.  She was Asian.  She was actually Korean.  I may have said this before, I don't like to say it, but I am well endowed sexually.  Nothing gigantic, or horse like but enough that I was having a lot of trouble.  Digression, two virgins should never have sex, especially a well endowed person and an Asian. 

This was our second attempt and our second failure.  Wrong condoms, too small and e Internet was young back then and Google was still two years away, so I had to ask what to do and much later learned about lube.

It was Halloween and  I was in the depths of my Dark Blue period.  I was depressed.  I was still reeling from the worst 24 hour period in my life back in April, my bicycle was stolen and then later that day my house burned down.  No one died.  But everyone had minor property damage except me; I lost everything.  The fire did not start in my room, but it did start in the room beneath mine and fire goes up.  I had just scored a promised date from the person I loved the most, just before the fire, she promised to get me drunk as I never had, I was willing and I loved her.  She did not love me though.  She was gorgeous, short deepest brown skin and perfect white teeth and the broadest smile possible.  Date averted for later, it of course did not turn out well when it occured, no pity fuck for me.  But that was April.

Back in on Halloween, I had just gone to bed, depressed as usual, on a donated futon, with donated clothes behind a wall of curtains that I had made from wire and fabric strung around as my room in an open basement that contained the only toilet.  There were no windows, it was dark, just me and the centipedes.  I wanted to die.  But my only suicide attempt was two years in my past and I was too depressed to make a second try.  I was writing long dark scary emails to my friend India and having long conversations with Korea.  So everything sort of changed at 2 am November 1st, 1996.  I was going to convocated later that day, I was going to be the only one in jeans at that event, but that was a long time from this point. 

The phone rang and I answered and India, was calling me.  I thought because she was worried about me from all those really dark emails.  She told me that she wanted to see me that very night.  I got dressed in a flash and I thought, should I bring condoms, and I answered no, she does not want to have sex with you she is worried about you.  So I left them there.  Here comes one of those shady things but it is not, it is in perfect clarity. 

It had been raining and it was chilly there was the strong smell of leaves, no that is an invention, but it could have been there were many leaves on the ground and it was very wet, but I was worried I was in trouble so that was not important.  I lived on Crawford and Harbourd and she lived on Beatrice between College and Dundas.  I don't remember the partial run and quick walk, I know my friends saw me as they were talking in the car, because they told me later and they thought the fire siren was for me because I was rushing blindly to my possible doom.

I did wait for a moment to catch my breath because was out of breath, the light was eerie with its rays penetrating the trees with partially downed leaves everywhere and some still in the trees, the leaves stuck to the road wet and glistening and I went to knock on her door, private entrance basement apartment.  It took a while for her to get the door, I was worried that she had changed her mind and the alleyway was dark and I really was in the dark about everything.  

She opened the door and she was wearing a bathrobe and she appeared out of it, but I was always misjudging people, I thought she was angry or sad, I never thought drunk or high or both.  She never did drugs that I knew of.  She sat down on her bed and I sat on the floor as per usual, I always take the submissive role, besides I knew I was in trouble.  She got up and she approached me and I was worried until she sat on my lap and let the robe fall off.

When you are in love describing the person you love is not realistic, it is idealistic.  She was physically perfect.  Her bared breasts were in my face and I just opened my mouth to taste them.  Everything before and after is meaningless to what I saw and did that night, I was in love with this girl and she had made her true feelings show through at last; I was ready to believe in God.  

She would not kiss me though.  First clue.  She wanted me to go down on her and I was more than eager.  Nothing has tasted sweeter since that day.  I wanted to make her cum and she wanted me to make her cum more than I knew.  But I was inexperienced and I did not know what to do and I had tried to prepare for this day as best I could, but in the end I was inadequate and tongue tied.

Desiring her orgasim more than I knew she took off my pants, and said the words, "Don't make me pregnant, don't cum in me.". But she needn't have worried all my dreams coming true all at once completely overloaded me and I was as flacid as a wet noodle.  And she tried to get me hard and it failed.

She went to the bathroom and I lay back on her bed on cloud nine.  I was ready to try cunnilingus again, I could do it right this time.  There was nothing that could break my mood, I was the happiest I had ever been, not a mean feat for someone perpetually depressed from grade 2 onwards.  But she managed to push a little reality into me told me to get dressed and leave.  I hugged her because I loved her.  A few days later when I got home from Smallville, I had a message waiting for me on how I had taken advantage of her drunken state.  I crawled over to her house and left her a long letter because I was so confused.

She later told me that she had been drinking a lot and was mixing her meds, Prozac, because it was her last pill and she did not want it to end and it was all over, she wanted to cum, and none of her friends would touch her as she was drunk.  So she called me, a sure thing.  Clueless stupid Greenpsychopomp.  Wretched me.  I wanted to die.  I was back in my depression again trying to make it up to her.  Again and a gain I tried until she moved out and did not leave a number, twice.  You see I did not understand even then, until then; she did not love me and I still did even more than I did before I almost raped her.

But everyone I ask says that I did not, "almost rape her.". But I get reassured by them all and then go back to believing otherwise soon after, but I am not sure any more, again.