My first problem is that when I come up with an insight to my person I as often forget about it and think it as solved, no longer applying to me anymore. When it is not true. I have not stopped. Years ago many decades beef ore I realized I have AS, i hated repeating myself in multiple conversations, way back before blogging was possible so I would repeat what I said in a different way, so that it was different. How that evolved into being a gossip I am not sure, but it happened. Gossiping is about having new stuff to tell people every time you meet them. New stuff. And for an introverted recluse to have something new to tell every time is difficult. When I had a new story about my life, it was like I had an audience listening to me.
Luckily I have never had too many friends, so gossiping takes on a new role, talking about your friends because you care for them. It is still gossiping. The trouble became identified to me because of roleplaying. I would play these spy type characters that would find shit out, but what would happen is that I would be playing a lone wolf that had no one to report the information to so I would tell people in the game who did not need to know this stuff. And my GM would get mad at me and eventually we would stop playing.
It was shortly, years, after that when I learned that I had AS that I started connecting the dots that I was getting pleasure out of communicating stuff about other people to other people. Because I could be assured that people were listening to me. That I was the center of attention. I think that was my third epiphany. And I tried to correct the issue, because I was endangering relationships that I did not want to endanger, I was fearful. I was telling damning secrets just to be the center of attention. And I hated that, so I tried to stop and I told people the mechanism behind my thoughts. I told them that I get social validation out of sharing things with other people.
My relationship with More-Passive-Than-Rain was not working out, she had lied to me, through inaction and I came upon a fucked up plan to break it with her. I decided that if I could find what I had with her with someone else, anyone else it was over and I could stop killing myself for her. So I started sleeping with prostitutes. Paying for sex. This is how I discovered that I am not interested in sex but the dressing all around sex, the intimacy, the loving, the caring. The kissing. Very few prostitutes kiss, but I sought them out. I fucking miss kissing. I love kissing, I desire it above all else. I would fuck anything if they gave me a kiss. I would not fuck for a kiss. I would kiss you for a kiss. I would pay you for a kiss. I paid women to kiss me, because they expected me to fuck them, I fucked them, but we could have stopped at the kiss. I was robbed at one of these locations early on. I needed it so much that I continued anyway. And MPTR, well she could never kiss me, I needed her to kiss me, if she kissed me, I would still be her puppy dog, debasing myself for her.
Do you understand I think this is the worst secret that I have. There is another. I loved a fourteen year old. When I was much older than fourteen, sure it was legal back then for a fourteen year old to have sex with a older person, but we didn't. I wanted to, because I was in love with her. Because I am a wacked AS person with no understanding that that was wrong, because love would make me do stupid things. I never slept with her or brought it up because I believed that if we did she would regret it and I did not want to hurt her ever. I still love her, love never goes away, it just gets buried with other things like guilt.
What I am saying is that I can't change what I have said in the past, I can't balance it out with exposing myself on the Internet, but I want to show you how much I regret everything I say.
So a few years ago, I stopped gossiping. I restarted talking with my friends about my friends because I care for them and things have been better. But this only works if you can talk about it. It only works if you can have an outlet. You see, there are secrets and there are secrets. There are secrets that everyone knows about, that are secrets that few know about and you can talk to your inner group of friends about. And then there are secrets you can't tell anyone about. That is you can tell only talk about it with only two people, the person who told you plus anyone they told you that they told, and your life partner. I have no life partner but I want to talk about it and there is no one I can talk to. And there have been slips. I start talking to people and I just keep going on through barriers that I have put up because i like my friends and I want to keep them. And then I catch myself. It is like in the face of this one secret, the other secrets do not matter as much. And Magic Eyes, I am NOT talking about you.
I did this essay once in university, the only one I did the night before it was due and the only one that I got an A for. It was about Alexander the Great. Alexander the Great was this child and he had these childhood friends and they were badasses and they had this cunning strategy sessions and these kick ass soldiers, but most of all they had Alex, good old Alex. Alex's dad had unified Greece and then left it for him, but he and his friends had to do better. That was the key, he climbed a mountain and when he was done, he looked around and say his popularity flagging, so he climbed a bigger mountain. Every time he fought a battle, he looked around for another battle and a bigger foe because to him it was not about conquest, it was not about empire building it was about keeping his friends. So he took on India, and lost, because if you keep looking for someone bigger than you and more powerful than the last guy, you will eventually find him and he might not have heard how you kicked the other guys around and he was squashed. And his ego vanished, because he was no longer Alex the undefeated, he was just Great, he was not the Greatest and then he died and his empire vanished with him. He felt that he lost and could not keep his friends entertained so he gave up.
How that applies to me, I tell people things because I want to be the center of attention, and when I am there I don't want to give it up and I keep going. And lately I have been feeling very low, and I want to be loved. I want to kiss, so I do stuff that I should not do, because I need YOU to love me. Right now if I wronged you I would be willing to tell you all the secrets I know, just to get into your arms, I would debase myself for a kiss.
The most illegal thing I have ever done was was walk on someone's car stopped across the cross walk. The most wrong thing I have ever done was betray my friend's trust. I had the opportunity to crush my bosses upper spinal column and skull last Friday, and I wanted to do that so badly, but I feel worse about betraying my friend's confidence, I would rather do the jail time for that piece of wasted skin, than be the jerk that I am to my friend. And the best part is that I actually betrayed my friend to that very same friend, because I am such a useless piece of skin that I can't even text the people I want to text. I love her, but I can't love her. And now I have betrayed her to her and I am scum. I am the bottom feeder that feeds off the bacteria that eats the feces of the things that eat pond scum.
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