The only one that mattered

It is always bad news when you start looking up old girlfriends on Facebook.  In this case it is always bad news when I start looking up Brown Girl, and she was never my girlfriend.  She was the person whom I am still in love with after over thirteen years with no contact and longer since I saw her last; tears come to my eyes as I type.  

For me, Asperger's Syndrome, has meant that I do not have girlfriends that I want.  I get girlfriends who tell me that they want me, and then I want them, but never has there been a girl whom I loved first, who returned the love.  My tragedy.  Brown Girl was not the first such girl, but she was the second and longest held, by far.  SG, was the first, and I needed her for 3.5 years, SG2 I needed for about five years, but Brown Girl I needed in the last years of high school and through university and after and long after I could never get hold of her.  I loved her in secret and I had loved her after she told me that she did not love me back.  I thought of no one but her for about thirteen years.  Okay that is not true, I thought about other people, but I thought about her first, everyday.  

One can love someone and not get the feelings returned.  Most of my friends tell me that it is not love then, but I have felt the love of two people and know that they are correct, but not entirely.  It is heart wrenching nearly everyday, but the is a purpose to everyday too.

There have been some major life changes because of her.  I stopped looking at white girls, it has only a little while that I have fallen in love with some white people and decided that they are attractive too, but for the most part, when I see any brown girl, my heart races.  Every-time I see a brown girl who looks similar, my heart pounds.  When someone mentions her name in conversation, I live in dread that I will hear, "married", "child" or "partner".  

I have looked for her many times, I have found her on "find a teacher", and no where else, until today.  Today I found her on Facebook.  And I tried to friend her.  I know she will not accept.  But I need to apologize to her, not because I did anything bad, but because I feel that I need to apologize for my AS.  Truth, I did feel guilty about something in the past, but when ever I tell someone the horrible thing I did, they tell me it is not that horrible and that she was more at fault than I was.  Partly I am still angry, but mostly, I am still in love with her.  The truth about love is that unless there is something that quashes it dead, it is always there waiting to come back. If she called, I would come.  It would not be pretty.