My friend commented to me that I seemed relaxed and confident, that my demeanor had changed; I was a better person. But now, after less than two weeks, I feel like I am becoming more obsessed about the relationships that I don't have. This is not a good thing. I want to be that guy who did not particularly care what other people were doing and I wanted to be the guy that was cool with everything.
I had a conversation yesterday, a couple of them, with GardenerGuru. The first was about the nature of relationships and the second was about relaxing. I feel like both are things that happen to other people. And GG explained them using analogies, because she said, it was the only way to describe them. She said that the difference between friendship and relationship is chemistry. "But what is Chemistry," I asked. She was vague about that. I don't ever really feel chemistry like she described it. "You just know when you have it" was not good enough for me. It might be the Autism x Deminess in me that makes this impossible to understand. For me, any time there was "Fizzle" there was time and a body of personal connection built up prior to the "Fizz". Any time there was no build up, there was no fizz. Any time there was a lead up to meeting there was Fizzle. It made me think that GG did not know what she was talking about.
But then I am demiromantic and demisexual, so maybe it works different for me than other people. It seems that other people can engage in a brief conversation and desire a relationship, I have heard that they can just look at someone and want to have sex with them. That mystifies me. Most people it is a date, a coffee or actually a dinner, but it is not a dozen conversations over months of time. It is not through a series of short awkward meetings; I feel like a teenager dating for the first time, every time and I feel like there are very few women who want to do that anymore. There must be some, I have met a few, but then they might be attracted to me and are just trying to wait to see if I will like them too.
There was PolyGirl who read this blog front to back and then contacted me. She knew me and wanted to date me, but I knew nothing about her. I did not know how to handle it. I tried to date her, but it was all rushed and tagged on to the end weekend trips. I met her twice and was going to meet her a third time, but fucked it up because friends told me that after three dates she would be expecting something more. Something more I did not feel, but I knew she was a great person so I pushed myself because I wanted to be normal. I wasn't and there was not a third date, because it got creepy.
GG told me that I should not tell people right off the bat my eccentricities. She thinks that I should just go out with them and let the chemistry decide things. Tell them that I am Demi after they get to know me. Tell them about the Autism after they get to know me. I see the wisdom in what she says, but I also know that this would be a certain failure too. If I don't know them well enough before I meet them I will be wooden expression-wise and uncomfortable; I would not have the comfort level to be relaxed around them. Telling them that I am Demi and explaining what it means, that I need more time to get to know people before I develop an attachment, would let them know what to expect and why.
If I pretend that I am 'normal' I will prove that I am not and there will be no second date.
This year I had two good dates this year, two more good dates than I have had in any given year since 2012 and really excluding that and when I dated MPTR, any other year. I think I could avoid talking about the Autism, because it is not bigger than the Deminess. I still think that Autism created my demiromantic and demisexualness.
What I wish I could get is references from PrettyKitty and the other persons in my life that could attest to the fact that I am worth the wait to get to know. I am worried that every person I meet will want to make a snap judgement as to whether I am a good date based on the chemistry of a quick date, a brief meeting. I have been down that road too and it does not end well. If I rush something based on how much 'chemistry' the other person feels, the result will be another relationship where I feel things were rushed and things did not grow right.
The other conversation was about relaxation. GG told me that when she gets a massage she feels the energy release and when she relaxes the same. I told her that I have had exactly one good massage. One. When SuperGirl gave me one, all the rest were physically painful. GG said that the energy just flows out of her when she relaxes. I told her based on that, I must never be relaxed. It does not happen. It might be that I don't trust the masseuses. If I trusted them, I would feel what I felt with SuperGirl. I wonder if that is why sex for me is sucky, because I don't really trust my partners. If that is true, than what does that say that I trusted MPTR and I did not trust the others. That sex with SuperGirl could have been fantastic, but on that score I will never know. For that matter how could sex ever be good with MPTR now?
What do I need to know to trust someone enough to relax around them? Is this about Deminess?
You see I am back to where I was a century ago, last year. I need to get out of Smallville, before I lose all the ground that I have gained in the last year. I can't come back.
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