I am not happy and I am lonely in Little Smoke. I have a good job, I am being paid more than I have been paid in a long time, my boss compliments me and I like most of the people I work with. Some of the clients act like human beings too. Most of all, my boss is not an asshole, really how often does this happen? This year my boss approached me and gave me a raise, a full dollar an hour. And when I told him that I was leaving, he actually asked me if I was staying for the Winter and when I said no, he asked if I was leaving, he asked me not to go and then a couple weeks later approached me with a very sweet deal: wage increase of a dollar an hour and a company truck, all paid for gas and insurance. It was tempting, but not. I am 43 and I work landscaping. Also, work starts at 6:30am and ends in the Summer past 8pm. That last bit is why I have to go, oh and I am 43 in landscape construction. What is landscape construction? — manual labour, sometimes with machines, but mostly with old fashion wheelbarrows, shovels and muscles. When you spend your days lifting 100 pound rocks all day long or barreling loads of concrete you really begin to feel it. My only consolation this year was the 26 km of biking I did on top of that everyday… I am pretty sure I am in good physical shape because of the additional workout before and after a long day. Also I lost a lot of weight — about two pounds a week, less but more than 1.5.
What are my options? Smallville. My parents live there. At least one friend lives there who has not been in the practice of running me down every-time we talk and a job that I am good at, even though the boss is an asshole, never compliments and when he does it is backhanded, raises are incremental and a lot of the people I work with are lazy good-for-nothings. But I won't be as lonely as I am here. I love my friend GardenerGuru, I wish it were more, but not as much as she thinks I do. If she slept beside me on occasion, cuddled occasionally while I theoretically looked for sex from other people, I would be happy, ecstatic actually. How far my goals have fallen. Perpetual loneliness does that. I wonder if that was all I sought from every potential lover in the last five years, MagicEyes, MPTR and SuperGirl, if I would not be with them all right now. Probably not. I don't know if I could live with just being a cuddle buddy to a bunch of women who would be getting sex from other people and not me.
This brings up another subject: Polyamory. I have been drifting that way for years, not actually, but drifting. This constant loneliness has made me wonder if people are running from me because I am not a good prospect, for various reasons, but might be a good part time lover, a secondary or tertiary lover. Maybe that is what my life has been telling me all these years when I was chosen to be someone's lover, I have been their second choice. Perhaps, women have looked on me as someone to be around but wait for someone better. This sounds like self pity even to me, but it IS what I am hearing; a nice guy, but not a great catch. Could I be a secondary lover for a few, or a tertiary lover for many. Maybe that is what my role in life is.
I digress
BigSmoke. I have a half dozen Meet-Up groups subscribed to, but have not attended any due to work, distance and well work; 70-80 hours a week deserves two mentions as reasons. There have been other Meet-Ups suggested, one for polyamoury. One thing that I have gained this year is confidence and I am confident I can get a job in landscaping in Big Smoke. Mostly because I am regular and despite my age, strong with staying power and less hobbled by injuries than most landscapers two thirds my age. I like BigSmoke. I find the neighbourhoods relaxing and comforting. I like the diversity of people and ideas. My year in BigSmoke five years ago was filled with loneliness, but less loneliness than all the years in Smallville and this last year in LittleSmoke.
In any case where ever I end up, I have been offered a place with GardenerGuru for the Winter, because she is a friend foremost and has realized that she too is very lonely and needs company in the Winter most of all. Also my parents want to go away for the Winter and they want me to take care of their dog and/or their house for a month. I can't tell you what kind of hell it would be to live in there house for a month alone in the middle of the winter with no transportation except my winter bike. It is so quiet that after you have gotten used to the sound of your blood rushing through the blood vessels in your ear you can actually hear the sound the snow makes when it falls…
Then maybe…
Then maybe I am facing reality that my days of sex are completely behind me. Maybe I am only worthy to be a friend and not a lover. I am really good at being just friends when I know that nothing is going to "happen". I had sex three times this year, it cost me $480 and I did not get my money's worth, but I feel that they did. I am tired.
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