Options

They suggest that I NEED to buy a car.  They suggest that it is more important for me to complete this course than it is to work at my current job.  

They would remake me.  They would make me eat meat.  They would make me into a consumer.  They would remove my environmentalism.  They would turn me into something that I am not.  Most people would say that they made positive changes in my life.  Most people would tell me to suck it up.

Right now the negative aspects in my life out weigh all the positive things, all the neutral things stop me from enjoying any of the positive things in my life.

Right now I burst into tears when I think about it and the idea of killing myself comes as a relief. Whatever I do now, I will fail at something, there is no win anywhere.  Right now moving back to Smallville to spend the rest of my days, single, unhappy and with no future seems like the best option.  Do you see?  That is the BEST option.  I don't want to die, if I stay here I will kill myself.  If I stay here, I will have to stop being me, become someone else.  And then die.

If I leave here, do I stop being their friends?  In their eyes I would have failed.  I would be a failure.  Would I be dead in their eyes?  I stopped crying when I talked about leaving and now I have started again.  I have tried to have conversations with them, but as soon as I start, they start telling me how happy they are that I am doing what they want me to do and telling me how I have to change more and more.  Having a conversation with that speeding GOtrain will be just as productive, and faster.

I have given up on the idea of falling in love again.

I have given up on the idea of me having sex again.

I have not given up on being a teacher yet.

I have not given up on my friends, ever.

I am going to let some of my friends give up on me.

I have given up on the idea that I can be happy.

But I can't fail.  I can't quit.  It is like the only thing that I can do is kill myself, because I am not quitting my job, or anything if I am dead.  I get to quit the least number of things by quitting life.

I know I am painting myself into a corner and it can't be this bad, but it feels like it is.  

Maybe my parents will read my blog when I am dead and they will understand.  I feel so selfish for wanting to die I just can't see any way out

I tried to die on February 4, 1994.  I wished I succeeded.  I couldn't let down my friends and family then, so I did not do it and got help.  I have been trying to find a reason to live for 21 years.  My original plan was to wait until my parents died of old age and then to fade away and die, but I can't take it anymore.  I can't please anyone whatever I do.  I can't 

Options

Go seek medical help

Post my intentions on Facebook

Go quietly, but go.