How much school. One course. Five education centers 25 hours per education center. One continuing learning project. One special project both 25 hours supposedly anyways. For normal people. Me I take longer so add 50%. 175 hours becomes 240 hours. Twenty hours a week if it is over 12 weeks. Theoretically.
How much work? On job. Advertised as starting @7am and having an earlier knock off time of 4 or 5pm. Expected daily hours of 9-10 hours a day less 30min for lunch. Saturday start 8am go to 2pm same lunch break, add another 5.5 hours. Total hours 50-65 hours a week. Fine.
This week: 6am-6pm three days, 6-7pm two days, Saturday 7am-5pm about 70 hours after lunch. And this may be the new norm.
Sleep most nights 9pm to 4:30am. Unprecedented 7.5 hours of sleep a night. Using sleep aids because if I don't, I stay up worrying until midnight.
Getting to work and coming home has been taking me two hours a day, wind and weather has an effect on my bike riding, great conditions and it is half an hour, headwind or winter bike it is 1.25 hours. I aim to be early. Breakfast is at Tim Horton's because I can't disturb the sleepers at home in the morning. For similar reasons I have to shower at night and not morning like I like.
So in bed @8:30pm, awake 4:30am, at work for 6am, work until 6pm-7pm get home around 7:30 ish to 8pm shower for half an hour. Repeat.
I need to put five two hour computer sessions and ten hours in a week and one ten hour session on Sunday. Minimum.
It is not working. It was suggested that I cultivate a work person to drive me in exchange for morning coffee and gas money, but as proven this week it is an imposition and I will be late to work more than is acceptable for me.
I am tired and I want to die. Pretty much standard for me, but this schedule is leaving me with no down time. This week I got home relatively early and I sat down with my friend's kids and played with them eschewing my computer time. Me time, unwinding time is killing me. Not roleplaying with my friend is making a disturbance in the tranquility. I want to cry.
I want to teach. I want a relationship. I can't get anything I want. I feel powerless. I have to talk this out.
Okay I don't need to talk this out. I feel painted into a corner. My choices are get a car and finish the course or quit my job and find a different job that gives me less hours and finish the course or quit living where I am living and quit the course or quit where I am living and go back to Smallville beg for my old job back and complete the course and reacquaint myself with my friend(s) and hate my life . . . I hate my life anyways. I almost feel like I want to step in front of a train.
Okay I don't need to talk this out. I feel painted into a corner. My choices are get a car and finish the course or quit my job and find a different job that gives me less hours and finish the course or quit living where I am living and quit the course or quit where I am living and go back to Smallville beg for my old job back and complete the course and reacquaint myself with my friend(s) and hate my life . . . I hate my life anyways. I almost feel like I want to step in front of a train.
except less almost. I could run into the path of a GO train. they are very regular. they are very fast. it would hurt for a little bit it would get me out of this situation even if i am not as successful as i could be. I am just so lost and alone. this is the third time I have burst into tears today. I need to talk to my friend, the friend that does not expect anything from me.
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