Face of Stone, Heart of Glass

I said to myself, since I am moving away from here, I would like to have one positive experience here.  One more that is because I have met people that I like, I have met people I have not liked too.  I am unhappy here, but I would like to have a good summer.  I would like to have a girlfriend.  I would like to have good sex, I would like to erase the negative feelings that MPTR has given me.  But the problem is that I am not attracted to many women from this area.  Moreover, I am very shy, so getting to a position to ask anyone out is tough for me, but I only have six months, so I asked.  

Women who are quirky in the boonies are rare, usually they are city people so when I first met this woman, who I was not sexually attracted to at all, I was intrigued.  In the boonies, single women are all younger than me.  Well that is not true, but effectively.  She is 17 years younger than I am and that is a lot, but for a quirky woman, it might mean nothing.  And nothing ventured nothing gained.  So I asked.  I actually was almost smooth, I told her that this I am always rushing around on this job and I would hardly ever be able to speak with her, so I was wondering if I could get to know you after work, to which she agreed.  That was a week ago.  True to my words talking with her had been difficult and she was rarely working, so it was only a couple of days ago I was able to ask what she wanted to do, to which she said, that we both needed to eat, so why not go out to eat, that sounded a lot like a real date.

There were clues that this was not to be, but clues are easy to brush over, because usually if a social engagement can be construed as a "date" an uninterested party would bring up their partner well before, which she did not, so I allowed myself to relax.

Was that a too blunt of a foreshadowing attempt?  She cancelled siting that her boyfriend and her wanted to have some time together.  

One of the blessings of Asperger's is the unreadable face.  When I go into work tomorrow she will never know how torn up I am, how despite everything I told myself, that I would not fall for her, I did.  I should have known as soon as her frumpy appearance started to appear very desirable.

I do want to get to know her better because there seems to be a few connections between us that I would like to explore.  And she is an amazing person, an artist, a clown, a sailor, a cyclist, adventurous, quiet . . . So many things that I am and I am not.  The illusionary conversations that I tried not to have, because I did not want to fall too quick and falsely, did happen, if only slightly.  Right now a large part of me is looking at the broken picture glass hoping the glass would guillotine me right now, but another part is still happy from before she texted me and does not want that.  

I have to go to work tomorrow and see her and talk to her, pretending that everything is perfect.  Six months now appears to be six years away.

Part of me wonders about the even younger woman . . ..  But stops, I never seriously considered because at a certain age difference you just have to wait for them to make the first move.  Of course they would never know I was interested, because my face is like stone and I can not be easily read. I wish that my heart was equally stone and not glass.