Liar!

Lies, it is all lies.  I lie far too often.  I hate it and I feel guilty about it.  Whenever I lie, I recant almost immediately, because it bothers me.  I am not sure why I feel guilty, it might be because I am doing harm or it might be because I feel that I am hurting someone.  Here is a fact for you: autistic people find lying difficult if not impossible.  I don't know why. 

Why do I lie?  

1) I lie to get a rise out of someone.  I tell them something to see how they react, partially because I don't know how they will react, so I tell them polar opposites to see what the reactions are.  I almost always feel very guilty about it and I recant.  I can't do this to strangers, to superiors or the like.  I lie this way to people that I like and people that I view as equals.

2) I lie to fill in what people mean to say but did not actually say.  Today SOMEONE called in sick.  Everyone who I told about their message, I told them that he had called to say what I suspected he was doing, I might have said that he called and said that it was such a nice day that he did not feel he should spend it at work, when actually he did not say anything.  So, when people asked, I told them the lie and then after a moment I began to feel guilty and told the truth.  I don't respect this person, I want everyone to see them in a negative light, but everyone I told this lie to, already felt the same way about him.  But I still felt guilty.  

3) I lie to my friends and I feel no guilt when I tell them that someone fictitious complimented them.  Sometimes, I lie more egregiously when I tell them a specific person complimented them.  Sometimes, tell them that the person thought they did a wonderful job and sometimes I tell them that they gave them a tip.  I work in a job that involves deliveries and sometimes I get tips.  Sometimes I go above and beyond and get a tip, sometimes though people give me tips because of someone else's good service and so I pass the tip along.  Sometimes I think they did a great job, but did not get a tip, and I give them one anyway; my money, I can do that if I want to and if it makes my friend happier, a lie that makes them happier, money makes it seem less likely that it is not true.  Who would give up their money for someone else?

Sometimes when people do something that I thought was a good deed and I think they should be thanked, I will not personally thank them, but tell them that the person they helped wanted to let them know how much they appreciated them, always works best when they don't know who they are or when they don't have contact with them.

4) Sometimes when I am talking about something which I feel that the subject is less than solid, I speak as if I am speaking with authority, but I feel guilty because I know that I am not confident about what I am saying.  Sometimes I feel that I know enough that my opinion is worth something more than what other people might be; I still feel guilty.  I also use hedge words.  Sometimes I say things that I think are true, but I feel that they could be mis-remembered or facts that are possibly out of date.  Words that I am not confident fully about that I speak with authority.  I feel guilty, but I feel that it is good enough information.

Me, I feel compelled to lie in every aspect of of my life, but almost always feel guilty and confess the truth right away, unless I feel that I am helping them, but I always feel guilty.