There has been many things to say, many things that I am required to keep to myself. Since there are people who know who I am who read this, I can't write them here, so I do not write them at all.
So I do not write at all.
I am back at work and I am finding that the job is even more unbearable than ever before. When I am not at work I am secretly hoping for death. When I am at work I just go to the next thing and I hope that it gets better.
A friend asked me to move. My friend asked me what is the tie that keeps me here. My parents. My friend said that they know what that is like, but what is the effect on myself; while I am here my life is at a standstill and I need to progress. But what my friend is suggesting that I go and more to where they are going. I ask myself, is that any different than staying with my parents?
Two of my co-workers have been orphaned in the past week; their last remaining parent died. For clarification, two different people, two unrelated people. Then there is my boss whose parents are also on the way out. If my parents died I would be relieved and devastated. Relieved because I would be move closer to my own death. When they go I will probably not have people to live for.
I don't want this to be about me, but it is; it is my blog. I have been feeling dead inside for quite some time now. And I am now a keeper of secrets, secrets that will die with me. I want a crutch, someone to lean on. I feel that I do not have that. I am other people's crutch; I hold their secrets. I do not have one. There is no one, except this blog. But I can't use it. I wish that MagicEyes was still around, but I can't use her as my crutch in any case.
There. Is. No. One.
I have been using Facebook too much lately. I have been using it as a place to write and a thing to read and as a friend. Facebook is not a friend. When you log in and see someone online I think about them, every time. But that does not mean they are thinking about you. It does not mean anything. I have to stop thinking about it.
My policy, the computer code in my head that tells me how to act in situations about Facebook has to change. Booted up from e school bus sitting program, only sit by yourself and let others sit down beside you; let them choose what level they want to have. Currently FaceBook rule is: do not make a friend request, if they want to be your friend, they will ask. I will have to get more stringent than that.
I can change my thinking. I can change my behaviours. I got used to the Cpack device and can now sleep with it on. It took me months before I could sleep, but I changed. I learned to use it to breath through my nose when I sleep too, something the technician had never heard anyone do. I did all this so that if someone wanted to sleep with me they would not be disturbed. That will never happen. I am trying to date someone from another town, but she is a busy person and she never has time to meet. We met once five weeks ago, she says that she wants to meet again but it has been five weeks. Soon I won't have a day off and I will never get to see her if she wanted to. She is supposed to text me if she has time today so I can drive the hour to meet her, to talk. MagicEyes all over again except even less frequent. But she is the only one that I have found.
I did find a lot of professionals who want to spend time with me, if I am willing to drive two hours and give them two or three hundred dollars. Not yet. I am close. I feel so empty. I would like to have something inside of me. But professionals can't give give it to me. If I go it is because I am desperate to feel anything. It takes me a couple hundred hours to feel emotions for people and I need emotional connections to recharge. My friend calls me a woman, because she says that is how it works for women.
I can't cry.
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