Bitter

I was talking to GardenerGuru yesterday at work, the subject being my evilness.  That I have evil thoughts.  These thoughts are the things that I could do if I were actually evil or just stopped caring.  Then it came out; she told me that I was mean.  That I said mean things to people.  

Because she is a friend I did not react but instead reflected.  I sought out the truth in her words and how I was mean.  I looked at all the comments that I had said to other people that had shocked me and the ones that surprised me, the nasty little things I have said that came unbidden to my lips.  I have said some truly nasty things recently.  Some of them had been building for a while like a letter to MagicEyes that was inspired by a comment of hers from months before. Once I spouted a couple of racist comments toward a native acquaintance, because she was accepting the negative stereotypes others put on her all her life and she was acting like they were true.  I remember the harsh comments that I made to MPTR when she called me on the phone.  I remember them all and how after I said them they shocked me, that I had said them, except the ones to MPTR, they still shocked me a little but they were almost justified in my mind.   

I asked her, GardenerGuru if I was nicer before my affair with MPTR.  She said I was more happy-go-lucky.  So that was it.  What had changed in me since then. 

I was unhappy before her and unhappy afterwards too.  My life was filled with unrequited love before and after so it was not that.  There are two things then that might be it.  MPTR betrayed me.  I was stupid yes, but she betrayed me.  She betrayed the first love that I had that was not unrequited.  And there is more.  I know I have mentioned this before, but as I I have said many times, before MPTR, sex was an unsatisfying experience, something that I had accepted as something that would never change and would be an always thing. I had accepted that I would have friendships and masterbation and that is it.  I might meet someone and have a brief unsatisfying relationship, just to remind myself why I was alone.  But I had a relationship that was satisfying that ended in betrayal and now I am left knowing that there is something better and I don't have it.

Betrayed is the wrong word.  Passive to the point of inaction is the appropriate word, but the end result was that I was left without and hurt in Smallville.  Hurt with knowledge that there is something out there for me if I can find it again.  So hurt and frustrated.  Bitter and angry.

I don't want to be bitter.  But I don't know how to stop.  I am not just bitter; I am empty.  Last year I tried to fill the emptiness with MagicEyes, but the problem was I was too bitter and it was leaking out of me as meanness.  I am vindictive too.  Vindictiveness comes from a good memory and meanness, so in my case, good memory, inner bitterness and constant anger is making me a bad person. And my comments are not gauged for meanness; they are randomly mean.  They are sharp mean comments that hurt and appear to come from out of the blue.  They are aimed at anyone who slights me, at least in my perceptions.

The emptiness that sits in me I have to fill up with something. And it can't be work, because work only lasts so long and then it is gone.  I just don't know.  I feel dead inside.  Dead and bitter.