If Fishes were Wishes

I have been sad recently.  First time this winter really, well except for the other times.  This time it comes from all the other obligations on my emotions being gone.  This winter I was called on to be strong for various people, so I was strong.  

I realized that I can't tell anyone what I had to be strong for and I can't blog about it.  There are people who read this that know me and the stuff I want to say would hurt people that I care for.  I am carrying a tiny part of their weight, so I don't want to drop them.  When a man walks with a cane, he uses the cane to take a little bit of the burden, but most of the burden is carried by the man's feet and legs; by himself in otherwise, but if the cane collapses, the man falls. 

So for whatever reason, I am a cane and if I fold I will topple my friend and I will lose my friend.  People can guess who I am talking about, but they will never know.  I have felt the stress slacken slightly and other people have taken up the burden and so now I feel my own concerns.  My own shallow concerns.  Sometimes, I find that writing this blog I pretend that I am talking to someone in particular, someone who reads this blog; it allows me to feel that I am addressing someone in particular.  Other times I wish that no one I know is reading this as it makes me think that I can use it as a form of wishing.

One of my quirks is that when I tell someone what I want and they give it to me, I do not accept it.  Part of me does this because I in a way asked them to do it, partly I feel that it is me asking for special treatment.  I firmly believe that I do not deserve special treatment.  None-the-less, if some one offered me what I wanted without me expressing the desire, I would likely accept it.  So I don't tell people what I want and I don't get what I want.  What I really want.

My friends think that they know what I really want, because they think I talk about it all the time; they think I want sex.  People who read this blog, might have a better idea what I want and for e record, it is not sex.

What I really want, ie I am not going to tell you specifics, because that would be telling you what I said I would not do, is to be needed.  

I have not been reading and I have not been writing, I guess my depression is back in full.  I was listening to a pod cast today that was talking about depression.  Specifically, the drugs that doctors give people with depression.  I used to think that my biochemistry was different than everyone else because antidepressants had no effect on me, but the podcast informed me that even the most famous pill Prozac is no more effective than a placebo.  90% of all depression is not affected by drugs.  All I was, was skeptical that the drugs would have an effect, so they had no effect.

Sometimes, I wish I was less skeptical, then happy drugs would work on me.  Another advantage to being less skeptical would be I would just lay down and accept all the garbage that comes my way through email and Facebook.  Instead I search every-time someone says this or that and usually discover that the thing that came my way is a hoax or severely misleading, or the site is lying to my friends.  I point it out and people resent it.  They want to believe the junk.  They want to believe that Europe has banned fluoridation in water.  They want to believe that vaccinations are bad for them.  They want to believe the head politician of their nation is related to the horse thief Remus Rudd.  They want to believe that the soul weighs 21 grams as proven in a research study.  They do not want me to point out that it is bullshit.

I wish that I was not lonely.