Depression.

From Psychology 101

People's moods are often cyclical with peaks and valleys.  The rise the person is feeling good and the lows they are feeling bad.  Simple, but there is more.  When the person is heading down they lose energy and slow down.  When they are heading up, they gain energy and begin to rise up.  Also simple, but the combined effects are where the magic occurs.

If you can picture a circle with eight points, four at the 12, 3, 6 and 9 positions on a clock and four more between each of those positions.  Each one combines to have a different meaning to the person.  On the two positions on either side of the twelve o'clock position, the person is feeling really good and feels on top of the world.  Approaching the three position and heading down the self esteem of the person is starting to take a hit but at the same time is losing the energy to act in the world and they are sliding into depression, but can not act.

At the Nine position and heading up, the person is feeling great.  It really sucks to be on either side of the six position; life is horrible and you have no energy to do anything about it.  The worst position, however, is the the last position left: heading up, gaining energy getting less depressed.  That is the worst position because you remember the depression and it still has its grip on you, but you are getting stronger and you can do something about it.  I wish I could say that everyone knows about this, that the depression is waning and that you are going to be feeling great again, but this is the time that most suicides happen.  Also probably the time that many people do things to themselves that they would not do otherwise.  I would bet this is the time that people cheat on their significant others.  Depression with power and strength.

I am right now slipping past number three and I am not sure if I will progress through to the Nine position in hours, days, weeks or months.  Right now I almost wish that I had the power to avoid all of that right now.  Months, that sounds gloomy.  Not as gloomy as my life between age seven and age thirty where depression only lifted near the twelve mark before slipping back under relatively soon after.  Where I was depressed for months at a time and happy for hours.

I wish there were drugs that worked, but I know that they don't work, you have to believe in the drugs for them to work and I doubt them all.  I want to disappear and die, but I won't.  I will punish myself by suffering in this existence, forever.