Dark blue again

It seems there is no winning in my life. There is only losing.  There is no such thing as something good.  The best I can hope for is mediocrity.  Good friends, yes, but that is it.  When people want me they need something, and when they get it they are gone.  

If I am not right there for someone, then they go and get it from someone else.  I wish that my suicide attempt was successful.

Things happen to me and I go from zero to wishing I was dead.  I have to find away to get out of this spiral.  But I can't see how.  Everything hurts me.  

Seventh needed me on Christmas, but I was in cellphone no mans land with a cellphone that was dying.  Now she does not want to talk to me.  She went out and got laid to try to forget.  If I was there for her it would not have happened.  Because I love her and respect from the top of her head to her toes.

This was not the first time that I have not been there for someone.  Every time that it happens I am with family.  It makes me wish that I had offended my family and stayed home

I can't cry.  I can't go out.  I can't do anything.  I can't even kill myself. 

I don't see worth in anything I do or I have done.  There is no value in my life.

I want to die