40 year old Virgin?

I am a virgin.  Virgin.  I have slept with people, meaning just what it says, I slept and they slept, we slept together in the same bed and nothing happened, mostly they slept and I did not sleep.

My virginity started in High School.  My first Girl Friend was in grade two and we kissed, open kisses; so I should have been sleeping with girls by the time I got to High School, but I wasn't.  Sometime in there I formed a very stupid idea, that sex happened after love.  Okay, yes it is best if that does happen, but waiting for love when you suck at communication with the opposite sex means nothing is going to happen, ever.  So, when I saw her the only person I knew on my bus, I for some unknown reason I became obsessed with her and never missed the bus for fear of missing seeing her. A year later on a class trip, sitting alone, as usual, I started chanting in my head that there would be no one but her ever.  I could not get up the nerve to talk to her even though she sat behind me in Grade 9 math, sat at the same work station as me in Grade 10 biology and I sat behind her in English class, I also knew her schedule inside and out.  

I did ask her out; it must have been a very uncomfortable couple of seconds it took her to say no, and an uncomfortable minutes that I followed her before asking. Four years and a powerful oath gone in fire.  But there was India, but India like someone else.  Still I had nothing else so I focused on India.  

University: I went to the Big Smoke, because India, and the first one went there, different university.  Mostly because I got poor marks in school.  I always get poor marks in school.  I tried to meet women, I tried to have sex, but I was still inept with women and women were not interested in me, and I still idolized India.  AMDL, I met and told her that I loved her, I did, I truly did, but she was involved.  She broke up with him and I held back, because I had told her already and I wanted to let her heal, I thought that is what people did.  I approached India a couple of times through the year, she would rather it was someone else that came to bother her, and she would have preferred that I did not come in the morning on the weekend, but I had no clue.

Second year AMDL had a new BF and I thought that I had to be her friend.  My neighbour was a trendy woman, Dutch.  Dutch tried to get me out of my shell, she introduced me to porn and she had a BF.  she told me later, that she would have cheated on her BF with me, but the concept was so alien to me I did not see the signs: scantly clothed talking to me, drawing my attention to her legs etc.  More encounters with India, but she was uninterested.

Third year I discovered that women would get me to massage them, but would never massage me back, and definitely not have sex with me.  I also first learned of my technique of dismissing women as unattractive and then becoming friends and then falling head over heels in love with them.  I fell hard for Slovenia, she was short had shorter hair and I dismissed her and then fell deeply in love with her.  I also learned that I was naïve and believed everything people told me, and learned that people had there own assumptions about what I wanted.  I loved her and her rejection pushed me over the edge and I tried to kill myself; I often was upset that I did not follow through.  Late in the year, AMDL was single and I got together with her and started kissing, but then she started crying.  She told me that she had been raped the previous November.  I had loved her for a long while so I wanted her to be okay with things so I did not press anything.  That summer Slovenia, told AMDL that is was bragging about her as a conquest.  And I got it all in a letter.  I never did, but did not know what to do.

Fourth year I fled from residence continued to fall for people, Polish girl.  I met up with India a few times her annoyance was clear to me only in retrospect.  The was Austria, whom I acted honorably towards.  As always.  If I only acted without honor, but I could not.  That summer I did invite India to come to my house, she did, nothing happens of course.

The trouble was that when anyone was interested in me, I met them with distrust; I thought they were trying to make fun of me.  There were two girls in High School, one was definitely making fun of me, there was a really hot girl in university, but I could never understand it.

The next year I met Guyana, she knew Slovenia, but they did not know each other well, but she was alive.  AMDL contacted me again and I told her I was fine with her friendship but I wanted more and we began making out again.  She called me twice after that, once because she had a fight with her parents, but I was not there, and the second time to tell me because I was not there, she had fucked another person and would not need me any more.  Guyana was as naïve as I was, we grew close and she told me how she was sleeping on someone's couch and they were approached at night and that was how she lost her virginity, not that she wanted it; to me that is rape.  She slept on my bed, I on a couch, I loved her, but I was honourable, so nothing happened.  She got a BF and got naïvely pregnant and had her dreams quashed, but not by me.  Korea came along and we almost had sex, we were both desperate, but I did not fit, physics denied me.  India was depressed and called me at 2 am, she knew I liked her and she seduced me, she had tried to seduce many others before me and failed, so I was a sure thing, except for her passing out. 

After that, I gave up.  There was the lesbian, there was Filipino, there was Indian-English, who told my my massage skill was good enough to trade for sex, but not her.

Through oaths, because of a silly idea about honour, I sit a nearly forty year old virgin.  Oh yes the most recent stuff, the Affair had a BF, and I was waiting for there to be no BF when he found out and he assumed the worst.  To be accused of it is ironic.  I am tired I wish that love and honour did not exist, really.