Super bored
I am not depressed. I take no pleasure in doing anything. Food does not really interest me, it is that thing that I chew and swallow. Admittedly, food was not a big through in my life before now. I have been re-watching Star Trek Voyager these past weeks. I am deep into the series, season 5, and I am bored. I watched that latest episodes of House and found some enjoyment, but now I am caught up. Reading has been difficult. Difficult to get into it that is. My illicit affair has gone over twelve weeks without sex. It has been boring for months now. I am starting to believe that sex will remain uninteresting forever, again. I feel like I am just putting in time. The truth of the matter is that I feel that it has been this way since late last year at this time. But I have been working so hard it was not until now that I have begun to feel it.
Days later, I am in Big Smoke. I just met someone that has told me that Big Smoke is boring, I am going to take this someone to Smallville in Boonieland, for a week and show her the real measure of the word. When I first got Big Smoke, I was disappointed, the Asian Market had closed down in the month that I was away and now I could not purchase any Indian food. I am really unhappy about that. But then I went to MY bookstore and I picked up the book I was looking for and the two books that I was going to give as gifts. Both to people that claim to read this blog. One I am going to use and black mail to reacquire the books that she has of mine and the other I am pretty sure has not read me in a long time.
Then it was off to give a friend a massage, because I really like like to give people massages. A new friend a massage. That took about ninety minutes. But it was good practice keeping my professional attitude. Right now I am typing this up in a pizza joint where a friend works, a friend who I am not sure really wants me to be a friend. But she seems to be happy to see me. She brought her pet rat to work. Great time for the health inspector to show up. Better her boss is here with his family. She could get seriously fired.
Some people you can go months without talking to and pick up where you last left off, other people after months everything is dead. In the past this friend was like the former, but the last time our exile was cause d because she found religion and has been re born. I hope that we can still be friends though, because I care for her, and I want the best for her.
I care for her and want the best for her, are my words that mean, I love her. Currently I care for and want the best for, for five women. Only one of whom I have actually slept with. Love is complicated with me.
So I want the best for her. I want to protect her. And she does not want me to do these things for her. Do any of these women feel that way? No, the do not. If I can not keep them safe and happy, I hope they can find it in their own life.
Digression. The problem with seeing all my friends on a journey to the Big Smoke is, my day is exciting, but if I were living here I would be bored more than 95% of the time here too. The problem is, for someone who is super bored, changing location does not actually solve anything. I know that I can not depend on anyone to make me happy, to keep me entertained, except myself.
As to relationships, everyone tells me that I am a really good guy and everyone who I care about enjoys themselves in my presence, but for me to stop being a friend with people is hard. More than a friend for me is nearly impossible. The only people that want to be intimate with me, I have to pay.
That is the second reason why I am super bored, I am hung up on sex and desire it all the time. Seeking a relationship as a holy grail, has left me unsatisfied and bored. Oh and I know the absolute truth about relationships. My Soul Mate does not exist in the way that everyone thinks about it. My soul mate is every woman walking down the sidewalk, driving down the road, sitting at home; they only need to meet me in the right circumstances, in the right light, and they are mine. I only have to talk to them for a few days or snog with them a couple of times and I will be hooked. With the caveat that we have something in common, something small.
Sometimes I am too smart for my own good.
No comments:
Post a Comment