I have to be careful what I write here, you know the rules of blogging: 1) don't talk about work; it could get you fired. 2) don't talk about relationships, if you want to stay in the relationship. Pretty much everything else goes. So, I am in a relationship. A fucked up relationship. I am in love with a woman who will not leave her boyfriend, even though pretty much everyone knows it is doomed. Just like everyone knows my relationship is doomed with her. She has stopped having sex with me and I know that that means it is all over except for my crying. I could destroy her relationship, but I won't. It would not grant me her affection and I would not want it that way. I "do it" for her, and I know that every time I turn her on she is going back to him and having sex.
It has stopped making me jealous. It has stopped ripping me apart. It will not make me cry, for I am dead inside.
I do not know how to date. Friends tell me that I am a good person and that I will make someone happy, usually they qualify that with, but not me. I have tried electronic dating and that usually ends when they figure out I am not normal, that fine line that exists no where in the world. I have tried friends, both dating them and getting set up by them and since i know mostly women this means that they have to find the perfect woman for me, and that has only happened once (see opening paragraph).
I just want to fuck. I want to fuck her out of my life before I get screwed. Women are funny about sex. They want someone 1) really hot to fuck their brains out with, 2) someone who would never do that, 3) someone who has lots of money or power or 4) someone normal who they can warm up to because i) the look hot and seem nice*, ii) they have a good job and seem nice*, iii) because a good friend told them that they would go well with them.
Seem nice*. This means that usually they are wrong. Usually women are picking up on the same things that they always fall for and the same things that the last relationship failed for. Usually people are hiding something that will remain hidden until after they have sex, then they figure that they have gone this far that maybe they can accept one* idiosyncrasy because they have gone that far. One*, there is never one.
Does not seem nice, that could mean that they ARE a horrible person and do not know it; this senerio does not exist, except inside your head.. It could mean that they are not normal and see it as a good thing. Perhaps they see it as honesty, they know they are not normal and do not want to lead anyone on, only to get to a critical juncture and be left stranded. Better to be honest up front and avoid this heartbreak right?
No. The problem with honesty is that people will assume that you are holding something back and that if you are this honest, it must be truly horrible.
Sometimes I get so rundown by things I just quit. I think I mentioned in earlier posts that relationships are the most important thing for me as an AS person. I also mentioned that I need physical relationships, I am in fact addicted to sex, because I can't get it. See above. See August 12th posting IQ vs. EQ. I need sex, I am addicted to sex, but without love, sex does nothing* for me. Nothing* means nothing happens, nothing means I can perform for hours without result. But I am addicted to sex. It means that I often go for very long periods without it. Years. Eight years once. Eight years because I thought that prostitution hurt the women that did it, that they had no choice and that the Johns were dirty.
Do you see? My girlfriend occasionally reads this. Your boyfriend will never love you they way I will cherish you. But you do not want to be cherished, you want to be unhappy. I want love, I want loving sex. I want to make love and failing that I want to fuck into exhaustion, even if I know that all that will happen is that I will get tired. Please, some one shoot me or fuck me.
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