It has been three weeks. Things are going well. The diagnosis has relaxed me. But it has spread a little. I am not just Demisexual. I am Demiromantic as well. I may be demisocial too. What is it not?
What is it:
Demisocial. If I don't have some physical connection, and emotional attachment to you I find it difficult to talk to you. Who are you and what are you interested in–I don't know and I am not going to find out, just tell me what you want and let me do what I came to do. This is what I was before; I am trying to break that down. If I have to I will pretend to be gregarious and put myself out there. For work, for the cashier, for younger people. For people in distress. New cashiers at Tim Hortons. Tough job, high stress, pushy impatient customers—if I can get them to laugh then I know that their day is just a little better. Job interviews are really tough, there is the Autistic foot watching behaviour I try to quash. So, it is difficult for me to make new friends, except at work and on dating websites. Which leads to the next one in a bit. Demisocial means that I find it difficult to start new social things.
Demiromantic and demisocial are closely linked but this is about end goals. Social you want a friend, romantic you want to date. I don't really see a difference as I will date anyone because it is the connection that matters for me and not anything else it is getting that connection that is the hardest thing in the world for me. Dating is something that I leave up to the other person to communicate with me, because just because I am open to it does not mean they are and I really can't tell (Autism). Dating websites help with that, because well that means they are looking to date, doesn't it? But as with demisocial, it is about breaking the ice. They want to date me, they did contact me and presumably read my profile, but I am completely uninterested, because I don't have a connection with them. I can't just date friends and coworkers, because there are social rules about those things and I can't see them/know them.
I know that if I know them and I like them I will want to date them, but I can't fake it because it is obvious that I don't care. It means that the woman has to carry the conversation longer than she my be used to and share a bit more than she is normally willing to. Plenty of Fish is horrible for me. I see a hundred profile pictures and some of them are good looking and some of them are not, some of them have no picture. The profiles are weak and flimsy, they are paper thin, litterally. So the good looking, the ugly and the no pictured profiles have the same value for me, no value. I can't contact anyone there. OkCupid is much better, it has depth and it has an algorithm that tells me that this profile is a closer match to me or not. I can look at their questions and see their political, religious, social beliefs and I can actually know them a bit. I can contact them, but they still need to carry the conversation for a while. I am standoffish at first and arguemenative, but once the ice is broken, I want to see them and I want to kiss them. If they are willing and let me know.
Demisexual. Hey it is about sex, so if you are uncomfortable don't read. But if you are okay with it so am I. There is nothing wrong with my equipment; I can have sex with strangers no problem, I don't want to becuase I have no connection, but everything functions. Mostly. It is like there are three levels of sex for me, stranger fucking, friend sex and making love. For me there is a difference. Friend sex is when I like you are a person and I want you to have a good time and I want to see you and have sex a lot. I will do what ever I can do to make you happy, because we are friends. There is nothing you can do to reciprocate though and I accept that, because I don't love you, I just like you an awful lot. If I understand you and trust you and feel that you understand me and trust me, then it may be different and I will be making love and that is different than sex because it just is and I become fully functional. It is so rare that it happened only once.
What is it? It is a form of Asexuality. I am asexual to everyone unless I know them and like them and love them. And people that I tell this to tell me everyone works this way and they do and they don't. Relationships work best if you do it that way and the resulting relationship will be stronger if you do it that way, but most people can also just do it. Most people can contact someone on Plenty of Fish and go out on a date with them that night and wake up with them the next day if they chose to. I can't. I could if you just want to fuck, but are we talking about money changing hands here? I really don't see the point.
What it is not. I am not blind. I can see that Hollywood bombshell is hot and desirable, I just am not interested. That relatively perfect ten sitting beside her friend is obviously beautiful, but even if I stare, I would not be interested in them. If I am with a long time friend, I might not even see the hotty, because the person who I have a personal connection with is taking all of my attention.
Autosexuality? Yes, just like everyone else. Porn helps, but that is because I can pretend I am there too and that I have been with them for ever. Random hookups have no appeal, neither does watching other people have sex, unless I can get in to that space. Strip clubs are boring, just a bunch of naked people dancing around who I know nothing about.
I have always been this way, but the word let me know that I am still normal if a rare type of normal. Ofcourse along with Autism, I wish that I was not. I think the Deminess is a symptom of Autisim. There is a high correlation with autism and Asexuality, anecdotally. But that makes sense, because autistic people have difficulty expressing and understanding social expression. And this leads to strong ties with one person and only one person at a time. My dad has only been with one person ever. Growing up he liked to push me to see lots of women, but he like me is not like that.
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