LittleSmoke vs Smallville

I went back to Smallville in Boonieland for a brief visit.  I went to a funeral, but I stayed with a friend.  I love her, as a friend.  She is trying to convince me to come back.  I am unhappy where ever I am, but her selling tactics need work.  She emphasizes the negative parts of my life as to reasons to move.  

But it is the negative vibes I get from the entire town that are pushing me away, the negativity that is coming from me too.

I have lost a bit of weight.  My friends tell me that I should be proud, bunt I tell them I will be proud if it stays off for more than a year and not a moment before.  If it comes back, then I did not lose the weight, something else lost the weight for me.  And then there are other people who notice the weight loss and I see revulsion for the old me.  Maybe distaste.  That makes me feel horrible.  It might be imagined I tell myself.  

The other thing is that moving back acknowledges that I have really given up on dating.  Finding love.  There is no choice there.  The reality of me is that my values more closely match dating eligible children, twenty years younger than me.  I mean, when I broaden the parameters of age for searching purposes on OkCupid, the algorithm tells me that there are twenty women in the 23-25 age range that are +90% compatible, ten women that are 80-95% compatible in the 26-33 age range and about five women who are 70-80% compatible in the 34-43 age range and almost all of the above are only interested in dating within 5 years of their age.  If I broaden the distance parameters I find fifteen women in the +90% range living in BigSmoke who will not date outside of BigSmoke.  Some of them are 99% compatible, considering nearly a thousand mutual questions asked, this is big, but I live too far away.  In Smallville, my options for dating are zero.  So I am left with three choices: stay in LittleSmoke and not date, but have a job, move to Smallville and not date and have a job, or move to BigSmoke and not date because I don't have a job.  

The other stuff is all a factor too, but it comes down to that because I don't want to be alone any more.  Never did, it is just it is becoming overwhelming.  This year has proven to me how far I will sink not to be alone; I will give up everything.  So part of the problem with going back to Smallville is, that as soon as I came back, I started thinking about Cassie again immediately.  I could not stop it.  And I know that that path leads to personal misery.  I am beginning to cry.  Then there is all the bad stuff of the other work place, it is all coming back, but the lure of not being alone at work is getting to be too much.  

I look at the girls, I mean girls, at Tim's here in LittleSmoke and I am desperately trying to see them as not options for happiness.  I have to go.

I want to die still.  More sometimes now.  The thought of being alone adds to it.