Anxiety

Where does this fit?  I am not sexually interested in people.  The conclusions about my life re: fetishes have changed my life and how I feel about people and what I am looking for.  I am not sure that it is all for the good, it is just there.  It has meant that a practice that almost all men engage in, but I did very little of has gone almost completely away: checking out the opposite sex.  My efforts to destroy my fetish have been fruitless, I have only tested them once, but it is not like there is much opportunity to test it anyways.  I really fear that this might be the end of that part of my life and my hopefulness of bachelorhood's end will never be true.  What I mean is that there is fear that I will meet someone and happiness will still elude me, that sexuality will elude me forever.  

I had my first anxiety attack in years last week.  Not full blown like I used to have but it has been close to twenty years.  All my anxiety attacks 

were about girls and this one was no different.  This one was triggered by the thought that a woman who I was talking to had changed her behaviour to avoid me, that was the thought.  I quickly found out rather than dwell on it, a change from all those years ago.  Of course I have been experiencing anxiety-quakes, little reminders of what happened.  I should also say that it was very mild as compared to the past.  In the past I hyperventilated and lost the ability to reason, something I would say would be very bad, this was not like that.  I just could not concentrate on what I was doing and my thoughts were coming at me too fast to concentrate, add that I was in a yoga class at the time.  One unforeseen side effect was that I was able to sleep before a long driving trip to Big Smoke, something I don't normally accomplish.  

It seems that I am attracted to passive girls, or is it that the women who respond to my ads are passive.  I am hoping that that will allow them to get to know me.  Which this contrary to what I said in the first paragraph, only it is not or I am trying despite my personal proclivities.  

This is the first time that I have not been anxious about being unemployed in the winter.  I have been doing more this winter than other winters, but then comes this anxiety issues.  It makes me think that maybe this winter has been worse.  Along with the anxiety came an avoidance of doing some of the things that I wanted to do, that I had been doing, or maybe it was a reaction to my last grandparent dying.  

I just don't know.