Anger

When I was young I would tell people, other kids, that I was like a volcano; silent and strong seaming under the surface, but turbulent deep within building quietly to a point where there would be earthquakes and then suddenly with little warning an eruption of violence.  Other people said that it was because I had red hair and people who have red hair have tempers.  The last statement is stupid.  People with red hair have tempers because they are different and people like to treat different people differently especially when they are younger.  Really is it a surprise that red heads have tempers when they are provoked frequently for no other reason than their hair colour?  And this was before the annual 'Kick a Ginger Day'.  Really I don't understand why red hair is called Ginger, ginger is sort of yellow, unless it is because of one actress with red hair named Ginger, seriously?  

Of course the volcano analogy is much more accurate for me because I have Asperger's Syndrome and I don't show emotion through body language and when people piss me off, I don't show it and people think I am immune like a mountain.  Then I start to trample with anger.  Then I lash out and then they don't seem to understand why I did that, like it was a surprise.  For me anger is like a tally, everything that gets me mad adds to the total.  It adds up and up until the dam breaks and everything comes out.  The dam changes in thickness over time, depending on what is happening in my life.  Theoretically there is a way to let off steam and relax a little, theoretically because I have not found it. 

I am writing this now because there have been earth tremors for a few months now.  Tremors lead to earthquakes which may lead to an explosion.  That is not true, the tremors are near daily occurrences and the earthquakes have been happening.

Earthquakes relieve pressure that builds up in the Earth.  Usually the pressure of the  sliding of plates spawns many small quakes that bleed off the energy, rarely it just builds and a large slippage occurs and a lot of pressure is burned off in one big event with lots of little events all around it.  With volcanoes it is different the quakes are caused by the expansion of the ground around it, heat expansion and movement of the mountain as it breathes, but also as the plates move apart or come together, rather than slipping beside each other.  

Last year I almost erupted, I had an earthquake experience that nearly broke through my emotional dam.  I nearly killed my boss because he cheaped out on vehicle maintenance and the vehicle I was driving had a major failure just after I finished driving it, if it had happened while on the road, who knows what would have happened.  Anyways my boss just flipped off a comment that he was expecting the vehicle to fail spectacularly and just didn't know when.  He was lying on the ground at the time looking under the vehicle and I lifted my work boot off the ground with the extremely strong desire to crush his neck with my full weight.  I am not writing this from jail, and I am still getting paid and only you and I know how close it was.  Well probably only me, because unless you truly understand exactly what blind rage feels like, total loss of control, you would not understand how close it was.  Since then, there have been many aftershock earthquakes.

But you see I know how to feed the volcano, so I know what not to do to feed the volcano, but the problem is, I have not been doing that.  Let me explain, the things that people do add to the volcano and that happens all the time, but the real problem is when people do things to people I care about and the pressure builds up faster, much faster.  I learned no to care about myself, it helps to have a low self esteem, but learning not to care for others is really very difficult.

Work seems to be a good place to grow to care for people.  Where else can you interact with the same people five days a week for eight hours a day, more or less for many months straight, learn their hopes and fears, their joys and their sorrows, become friends or become enemies.  For someone who doesn't have anyone else in his life this is bad, but for me it is dangerous.  I have to switch jobs frequently.  I am usually fired.  I become wrapped up in the other people's problems and try to do something about it, that is what gets me fired.  Or I get to know people and I become passionate about them, passionately in love doesn't get me fired, but passionately angry does.  Passionately anger is the same as irrationally angry.  If I switch jobs before that happens, I leave that all behind and have to start again.  New people, new problems and I get to reset the timer.  But I have been in the same place now for six years

Six years, with one year break in the middle.  Six years with winters away.  Six years with extremely busy springs. So only the Summers and the Autumns to grow into people.  But I have been learning the people there for six years and I have grown to respect some and dislike others I have respect for most and none for some.  But no outlet, except right here.  

Let me tell you what the earthquakes are like.  It is starts as a complaint.  There is a story of in injustice and then there is a trigger and the injustice gets exaggerated, I know that it is an exaggeration, but I am not in control now.  I can't tell if there is a physical response, but my voice changes and my heart rate goes up and e anger that is under the surface comes up and threatens to spill over.

All it would take right now for everything to go critical is for an injustice to happen before my eyes right then.  Then I would get fired again.  At best.