Can't sleep not tired 3am

Warning depression rant

I am depressed again, perhaps still would be a better descriptor.  What is that like for me?  I am still obsessed with sex, oh no It is not going to be talking about sex again, but seriously, really it is like this: I AM obsessed about sex, but I am utterly uninterested in anyone I know, see or can imagine, so WTF?

I looked at the dating websites again, big mistake.  OkCupid, the best one because you can answer a ton of questions and the site compares your answers with other peoples and gives you a rating on how compatible you are with them.  There is one person in 50km of me and they rate 42% compatible, she has a giant beer in her hand in her picture, loves going Mudding, and thinks books are things she doesn't have to worry about anymore because she is out of high school.  100km out there are more hits, better hits, but really now that I am carless, I am never going to meet them.  In any case, when I did have a car and did travel to meet them they all declined because they could not consider dating someone so far away.  250km away, Gold, over a hundred women that rate 90%+, but they all live in Big Smoke.   These women are about 50/50 bi/straight, but they live in Big Smoke, a city where the women are known around the world as the most finicky and often cold personalities; if you don't measure up to her ideal man, you are gone.  I am not anyone's ideal anything, so while I might be a near as you can get perfect match for these women, intellectually, metaphysically and socially, I am not their ideal match in many other ways, specifically financially, sociableness and quirkiness.  Reading a few of their profiles I also get that I may have been born ten years too early for theses women too; they are not looking for long term commitment and certainly not someone in their forties.

What are women looking for?  I have talked to my female friends over the past twenty years and they are all looking for excitement and spontaneity.  Which I think is a really cruel joke because, I have also talked to women older than me who wish that they could have throttled their younger selves, because the exciting spontaneous man left them bankrupt, heart broken or both, while the more boring predictable person would have left them happy, so they tell me to cheer up, they will realize what they really need one day.  One day when they are old and gray.   

Enough of the self pity.  I know why I am living:  I am living so that my parents won't have to attend my funeral.  I will try to live, I will try to love until they die and then I will too.