The trouble is, is that I don't feel this way. And I do. I feel harmless to her. I feel like I could love her and fall in love with her and live my entire life with her and be happy. But she is looking for just a friend. And she told me that that there are two things about living in the boonies that she would never want to give up are her mother and me.
But I want to kiss her. I want to hug and kiss her for an hour, five hours. I want to kiss her so long that talking would be impossible because our lips would be numb and then I would like to make love to her. But she is not interested; it is Sheryl all over again, best friends for life. Why spoil a good thing. She even said something that Sheryl had said being just friends is a good thing.
But I have had a Sheryl relationship. I have had the pining, the withering and the frustration of being in love with someone and they don't get it nor want it, because they want only friendship more and I have experienced pressing her too far too often and the horror of losing her friendship.
Let me pause to wipe the tears from my eyes. Tears means this is hard for me.
Let me be clear, friendship would not be second best with Magic Eyes. I would love to be her best friend for the rest of her life. Honestly. Even if it stopped at this intimacy level, because I don't really have too many friends. I have one other close friend, Gardener Guru, and a family in the city, but then they all begin to drop away and all there is left is family. And that is all I have. Other friends have put distance between us, sometimes physical difference one has been living in a tropical poor country for for thirteen years, one is now on the other side of the planet. One has placed mental barriers to keep me away, what did I do to you? One has placed herself in another country, 50 km away.
So I could use another really good friend. But I don't want to befriend Sheryl again. I have tunnel vision, and when I was around Sheryl, I could never see anyone else. I explained it to her last night, when someone with autism is doing something, that is the only thing they are doing. When an autistic person is in love, there can be no one else. When an autistic person is with a friend, there are no other people in the world. So I don't think she gets that yet, I will fall in love with her, not because of anything, but because I will devote myself to her when I am near her and it will happen. And she does not want me to f all in love with her, so I will do my best not to. But when I am with her, I will be 100% with her. I am not sure she has had that before.
If she would kiss me.
So I am learning about this relationship thing. I make a really good friend. I am best friend material, that is clear now from one more source. But sex has to be introduced early into any relationship or it will never happen. Which is a shame because I can see how a long relationship without sex can be so much fun and how kissing can be an end in on itself. And I will be left wondering if sex and friendship is something I can have together.
It does not sound like I want this, Kathleen, but I do. I want to be your friend. I want to help you through the perils that you will face. I want to be your friend that you can talk to about anything; to be the repository of information that shall never pass my lips…. I would also like to share your bed, make love to you and devote those hours to making you happy in those other ways. Nine out of ten is not bad though.
I will always respect you,
Aubrey.
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