So it ends, the best relationship that I ever did not have.
There was the relationship with Sarah whom was only in my head, Benita, who was only in my head except that one time that I thought she really did love me. There was More Passive Than Rain, who got me into this situation, being in Smallville alone and very nearly killing myself. Since I only know two people who will read this for sure, let me address this to one of you, knowing the other will read it too.
Dear Waif Girl,
You showed me the pleasure of blogging and for that I am forever in your debt, name a service I can preform and I will do it for you. It was because I have been blogging for nearly a year that Magic Eyes contacted me. Well stalked out my blog and read every entry and found someone that she thought she would like. I started writing her and every time I wrote something I instantly regretted what I said after I wrote it. Everything I wrote was true for me, but everything I wrote broke all the rules that society tells us that we need to do to put forth a good image. She asked how living in Smallville was working for me and I responded that it was akin to the deepest darkest hell that could be imagined, and she wrote back agreeing with my words.
She told me that I should write professionally and a I laughed at the suggestion, but listened and showed my poems to a friend, Gardener Guru, and she told me that I had a gift. Perhaps this gift will help me out of any despair that comes from this break up. Not a break up though. We have only had two dates. Two dates where everything I had learned to expect from a date was put on its head we did not touch except in the briefest of ways. We never kissed. If we had I know that I would not be writing this.
But I have to respect her decision, I don't have to agree with it though. I know where she lives, but I will never go there again. She deleted me from Facebook before I could read her letter. She shared her inner thoughts with me and I applauded them. I was willing to work within her boundaries. I respect that she was trying to find out who she was on her own unattached. I don't want to be attached to a puppet, a simulacrum of my personality. I like strong women, I crave strength, because only a strong woman look at me and accept me for who I am.
When ever we talked I feared that we were too close. I feared that she would talk and I would agree with her because it would make her want to be with me, but it was her fear that she would agree with me that drove her away. Part of me has always been insecure about being with her; she had a written profile and answered questions, her answers reflected her characters and her personality, but she was trying to change who she was so that person who d acted several people at the same time, who slept with people on the first date was not the person I dated. She had stated that she saw nothing wrong with going out and fucking strangers, old boyfriends for a good time and she had stated that she had a few close friends for doing that, so I felt always on guard always stressed around her.
But I was coming to deal with the old her and the new her and that they were two different people. Every geeky thing I did was matched by her or exceeded by her. Independently we had the same ideas, at the same time. We come at things from the same angle and find the same solutions. I know that if we had ever made love, that we could and would be able to talk about things the same way as before, unchanged.
She said that she wanted to be friends first and then something else, and seemed upset when I said friendship to work has to be based on more than one thing one typer of event if it is going to survive that event. The even that we shared is over and I don't see how we can be friends; I have no contact with her. I love her. But I am not destroyed by her severing her relations with me.
I wanted to tell her about how More Passive Than Rain, keeps phoning me. How she keeps wanting me to be the asshole so she can feel good about her incorrect decision. I won't, even though, I want her to move on, do I have to be nice and be the bad guy for her, so that she can feel good? What do you say Magic Eyes? What did your ex-boyfriend tell you that you severed all contact from me? Waif Girl, I don't expect a response from you.
Have a good evening and a nice life,
To my muse, the one that I write for.
I want to live for,
Not to die for
But to live actually live.
I want to make love to you with my mind,
Your mind is oh so pretty.
No secret messages this time.
I wait.
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